Early Christmas Morning

So I just realized it is Christmas
It is also almost 5 AM
No Santa at our place tonight
Waiting up and sure of it
No old man will break in
Employment of shotgun if necessary

There has never been a Santa around here
He has never dropped by
No baking useless cookies
No wasting milk as it sits out warming
No gifts either for a long time

It's okay.
I don't need Santa Claus.
I have cynicism.

Verbose Perhaps

I am in an interesting mood.
It is a good one,
although I wouldn't define it as "good."
I don't have the descriptor to define
what it is that I feel on this night.

I'm feeling a little verbose.

a little excited
like I have listened to too much
Good Music tonight.

a little lonely
as I haven't seen my new
Favorite Person recently.

a little full on life
like I've finally realized
How Good living is.

Dark Star

I cared for you so much
sometimes still (more than I should)
I search for reasons why
and what captivated me so strongly

We were so different
so much the same
We didn't want the same things,
but we were in the same place

You are one of few
who I liked first
You caught me
and I let you into my mind

You didn't try to seduce me
it was all on my own
You didn't prod me along
it was only what I wanted

It was all so wrong
so beautifully right
It wouldn't last
thank you for not telling me

Such a short amount of time
so much time between us
Such an innocent passion
you allowed me cradle

I still don't know
how it all fell together
I am still glad
that it actually did

I Wasn't Alone

Depression.
I've been there.
But I didn't want to give up.
I wasn't alone.
It was dark all around
I may have been afraid
But I wasn't alone
I had someone there with me
Holding my right hand*
I had you, God, guiding me
In, and through,
to the light at the end
I was never alone
Even the times I was lonely
I was never alone


*Isiah 41:10-13

It's All Temporary Anyway

The physical pain relieves the mental strain
small incision, little slit, not (too) much damage
not killing myself, just want a little escape
a temporary solution for a temporary problem
not killing myself, I rather like living
a temporary solution for the fear I have inside
not killing myself, just want to know I'm still alive

I don't expect you to understand
this is something that I struggle with as well
what it is inside me that makes me feel the way I do,
what it is inside me that makes me do the things I do,
what it is inside me that causes me to be who I am

This person, not killing herself, but looking
looking for a temporary solution to a problem
This temporary solution causing a temporary problem
to push aside all the permanent, distasteful solutions



[*Not inspired by recent events, but recollection and understanding of the past*]

A New Me

I don't know who I am anymore
I peg other people
know how they will respond
I peg myself
try to tell others how I will respond,
how i think I will respond,
how I think I should respond,
How I've responded before.

I'm really not sure who i am though
I need to realign myself with my identity
Or perhaps find my identity
but where to look if
I'm not who I was
and don't know who to be


I must be careful
not to base off anyone else
make my own self:
Who I am,
What I think,
only.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

I feel like a 20 year old
I feel like a college student
I feel like I look like who I should be
Do I look like who I am?

Recovery Phase

I need to keep check on my feelings
Find out what's going on
Why I'm feeling this way

I think I am falling hard and fast

Thank you for being stronger than me
While I discover who I am and
Recover from who I used to be

Walking Out

People walk into our lives
and sometimes turn around
and walk right out again
Sometimes our friends change
and we just have to let them go

Selfish

I am so tired
I am sorry
I wanted this to be a fun night
for us both to enjoy

I feel as though I have ripped that away
with my inconsiderateness
not thinking about what I had promised you
I lived as though I was the only one to matter

Date Tonight

I still have 40 minutes at work
I am so sleepy
I have a date tonight
I will have less than 2 hrs to get ready
I need a shower
I am uncomfortable with his
apparent
level of attraction towards me
I don't mean to lead him on
I just thought it would be a fun night
and it shall be
if I can not fall asleep
and there are no plane troubles

I am Falling

What is it you do to me?
I am not like this.
I don't fall so quickly
especially upon new acquaintances
...

These Things

Things are so much more complicated than I let on
yet things are quite a bit less so than I make myself believe

These things I feel,
I don't know from wince they come.

I don't know on what basis
I can claim them.

I really don't know you
but there is so much between us.

You are in my head
and I in yours.

Both in thoughts, dreams,
and like mindedness.

You are a curiosity to me
and quite curious yourself.

...
You come sit beside me, I'm okay with that,
but now I am distracted...

Can I Keep You

you ask if you can keep me.
i tell you i have to go home later.
you know i know
that's not what you mean.

you ask if you can keep me.
i tell you
that is my favorite line in Casper.
you are not amused.

you ask if you can keep me.
what will i say this time?
i should like to say yes,
for as long as you can.

"Can I keep you?" you ask,
not tonight, my dear,
you cannot keep me just yet,
but you may detain me whenever you like.

Quiet

Stupid people above me.
Stomping.
Goodness. It's midnight.
Go to bed!
Me? I'm not in bed?
No. Of course not.
...but at least I'm quiet.

Hurting You, Saving Me

I feel like I can't do anything but hurt you.
It's an never ending pattern.
Each time: I get trapped, get out, fall in again.
I make myself so hard that the only one who can harm me is
Me.
I can't see beyond my mind
Can't actually comprehend what I do to people
"He didn't have to get involved."
"I didn't get hurt, he could have protected himself."
I suppose some people are willing to let themselves be vulnerable
I can't seem to do that.
I won't let myself risk that much.
If I don't let you get close to me, you can't hurt me.
...Only I can.
Therefore I protect myself from you and from me.
If I keep you at a distance, then
perhaps neither of us will suffer this time around.

I don't know how to let people get close to me.
Please don't be physical with me.
I can't handle it.
Really. It's true.

Walls That Need to Come Down

I have decided something.
I want to tell you what all is in my head.
Only I don't know where to start.
Or when for that matter.
I'm kinda afraid that I will change my mind,
but I am sick of these walls in my head.
I don't know how to begin either.
I will for sure need your help.
So here I go,
swallowing my pride,
asking, begging you to listen to my rambling,
tell me what you think of what I say
give me your thoughts,
tell me some of my own if you must.
You are in my head anyway.

I am sick of these walls.
I want you to be the one to break them down.
I trust you.
I'm not sure why.
I really don't know you.
I think we need more conversation.
Conversation fosters friendship
and we sure as hell need something to base this on.

But that's just what I think.

I think lots of things when it comes down to it.
Think. Wander. Become curious...
so many things.

perhaps some other time.
obviously not tonight.
but I shall talk to you when next the chance arises.