Posted

do i have a sign posted on my head?
is it on my facebook somewhere?
'needy people whine here!'

Shedding the Old

shedding people from my life

friends and lovers

bad influences

Power

When its been denied you,
the right to say no,
the chance to hold back
is power held within

Over

I've done it
now I must separate myself
It's over
unless I want the pain to grow

I can survive whatever I need to
I protect myself,
so I'm the only one who can hurt me

Someday that will change
and I will cry

Hurting Everyone

how ya been

stressed.

why so

i think this bout is due to boys.

uh oh who has hurt your heart

just me.

i refuse to give it to little boys to break.

so i break theirs.

...and my own.

well you shouldn’t give it to little boys only men who will cherish it and nurture it

i have/had one of those.

but i decided that i might rather play with the little boys for a while.

so i'm just hurting everyone.....

***

...soon...

I'll Figure it Out Later

I'm tired of the insanity.
I'm not living my mystery.
I want it to stop.
I've got to deal with a piece at a time.
But I don't know how
to figure out the whatifs and whatthens first.
I'm realizing that.

CRAZY

CRAZY
I am effin crazy.
What am I thinking?
Am I thinking?
WTF?!

I need to do some serious decision making
I need to pull on my big girl pants
and be honest.
Firstly with myself.
What is it I need to do
in order to move in that direction?
I need to surround myself
with good people and good friends.
I should seek out level-headed,
mature female friends.
I'm tired of the lies of
everyday life,
But Oh! how I perpetuate them myself.
What is it I've become at this level
to which I have sunken myself?
Time to pick up the pieces
and make a slow moasic of
what is left.



"Life is a mystery to be lived,
Not a problem to be solved."
~ Søren Kierkegaard

my favorite way to learn is the hard way

yeah...

Indecisive & Fickle

Not only am I indecisive
I'm also fickle
Once I make up my mind
I change it.

Chooser

They say beggars can't be choosers,
but I'm only begging for what I want.

*Thoughts on truth and being true to oneself*

"...be true to yourself. Though the path may be painful and sometimes lonely, in the end, when it truly matters, only you can be held accountable for your life."

"The truth is not as pretty as the world would have you believe."

-BRM

PROBLEM?

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?
Why do I repeat the same things over
and over and over?

You Do Realize...?

You do realize...?
Not with him
does not equate
with you.

You introduced
the F-word.
Forever.
Something so strong.

I appriciate
your honesty.
I do like to know
where you stand.

Equally as
important
is to note
I'm not there.

Coming from
something serious,
I don't want
to jump right back.

You do realize...?
Not with him
does not mean
Yours.

The intimacy
that I have now
is not
Yours.

The emptiness
that I feel
is not
yours to fill.

The hurt
that I created
is mine.
I need to deal.

You do realize...?
Not with him
Does not make me
Yours to claim.

Love is Not Enough

"You look like you love him a lot."
I do. But love isn't enough.
He is so fantastic to me.
Such an amazing individual.
Not for me? Not right now?

I feel peace about this internal decision.
Fear of loss and pain.
Terrified of what this means
...for both of us.
It hurts me the most
to know how badly I will hurt him.
I love him so much.
Maybe not enough.
Love is not enough.

Personal Ad

WANTED:
Distant and emotionally unstable man. If you're inconsiderate of others, but will cling to me night and day, please call now! If you never like to leave the house, or just can't decide, let's stay in and let you molest me - I mean watch a movie.
CALL NOW


A joke personal ad tailed to my string of past experiences.

Air

What is this?
What now?
Am I just blindly grasping at thin air?

Pretty, Shiny Things

Perhaps,
the best way
to deal with my stress
and frustration
is to take
all my clothes off
and
put on
lots of fancy jewelry

Fight
my depression
with pearls
and jewels
and pretty, shiny things

Have
a drink or two
just to chill the nerves

Anyway, Perhaps

There are always choices to be made
Some are more difficult than others

Love.
Tears.
Apart.

Fear of arrival
Un or announced

I cannot lie to you
I cannot even stretch truths

You know me
You read me
You love me

What is love, anyway?

Reality

I'm not even sure,
I recognize reality
anymore

Reality. What is it?

The present situation,
occurring physically,
in real time?

Does it also include thoughts?
...relating to past, future
Does it also include dreams?
...daydreams or nights recently had

It is not reality,
nothing happened.
Unless reality can include
such intangible concepts.

But what is reality?
Can you really recognize?
Reality?

It's really much worse than you think

It's really much worse than you think
The black is a darker shade than you can see

This silence that you force upon me
Is a testament to your unknowing actions

Finding myself shoved into the depths
A hole this deep, only I could have dug

Fear Of

It is not fear of change.
It is fear of loss.

Fear of taking advantage of a good thing;
flushing it away

Fear of loosing something good.

Exhaustion

The exhaustion closes in
Stealing the light from my eyes
The life from my lungs

August

Sometime in August
I decided I loved you
I haven't spoken it
It is my guarded secret
This is its first escape
From the confines within

*July*

...was a total failure for writing and a very crazy time in my life.

Goodbye for Now

I've never really had to say goodbye to someone before
It hurts more than I had anticipated
Forgive me for my sentimentality and emotion
There have been farewells, but always voluntary

Please, no regrets for anything that didn't happen
For I know neither of us regret anything that did
Only good memories from here on
Remember our late nights and drunken conversations

Ten years isn't really that long in the span of a life
Be careful
I'll try to keep in touch
Call me when you're home

The End Could Be Neigh

But I love you
I don't want to be through
You keep me safe
You keep me sane

This may be the end, though
To what we have
To what we've built
and carefully crafted

You and I, we're just not the same
(no matter how much I try)
We're not on the same level
Though equal we may be

Good things and more

I want what you offer me
I want where you can take my life
I love you for who you are

Tuesday

Reminding myself that this is a Tuesday night
I still have to get up in the morning
as usual.
Just because it's been a tough day
and I need a rough night
It's still a Tuesday.
I still have to get up in the AM.

Gnat in My Wine

black fly in your chardonnay?
gnat in my wine.
nat in my whine?
ironic or simply inconvenient?
I find it only inconvenient.

In the Mindset of Hemingway...

tonight, thinking about drinking myself stupid and writing till I can't hold a pen any longer

Psycho Bitch

Psycho Bitch.
That's what we'll call you.
Crazy all the way through.

Needy.
Attention Seeker.
Compulsive Liar.
How do I believe
anything you say??

Listening.
Allowing you to confide,
Up until your downfall.

Sneaky.
Double Agent.
Concealer of the Truth.
How am I any better
than you.

Consent

Do you intend to make me feel this way?
Do you know; as you know everything else?
Is this a game? For the both of us?

How did this start?
Why are we here?
Did you consent to me?
Or did I consent to you?

Selfish

If I can do what I please
and get away with it
If I can act however I want
and no one seems to care
Should I really stop,
or press on?

I'm satisfying what I want
Trying not to be too stupid
If I can take from every pile
Have my cake and eat it too
What's to stop me?
What's to say I shouldn't?

Pity Party

I feel jealous
and left out

but whose fault is that...?
how'd I get myself here, anyway?

I am acting so selfishly
But if no one tried to stop me
     do they [really] care?
Is it really as bad as
     we make believe?

You By My Side

I want to do things with you
That I want to do with other people
I mean that generally

I want to get drunk; be stupid;
Stay up all night; laugh; joke;
Converse; go out in the wee morning;

I'm not ready to be mature again
I want to feel college; feel young
I do want to do it all with you by my side

Almost Ready

Alright.
Almost done.
Ready.
For you.
For us.
Forever.



Back to monotony?
No.
We're better.
Right?
We can do this.
Right?
Keep some excitement.
Have some fun.

i miss you

i miss you.
and i dont know what to do.

i dont mean physically.
i mean mentally and emotionally.

you and i are not close anymore.
what happened, where did it go?

did i leave?
or did you just not care?

i miss you.
this isn't what i want.

i've tried to satisfy myself elsewhere
i miss your brain. i miss you.

i've been stupid.
will you forgive me?

i've been stupid.
that doesn't bring you any closer.

i dont want all of this.
i want you. i miss you.

Mr. Business Man

Dear sir across from me in Panera
you look very stressed
in your suit and tie
staring at your laptop
with that saddened face.

I see you wear a wedding ring
perhaps, you should spend more time
     with her.

Have you ever considered,
a new job?
gotta play to win?
do you ever play, just
     to play?

Simply Put

vagueness is safety.

dirty things

we all have our share of dirty things shoved back in dark corners
pouring myself full of liquid drug, loud music, and metal
because i cannot adequately feel anything

Sometimes A Single Question

"sometimes a single question is more honest than any statement" seh

New Job

New job coming.
Starting a career.
Four dollar raise.
Newer laptop.
Half of a cube.
My own computer.
I'm almost a real person . . .

Warm Stone, Bare Feet

Warm stone.
Cool on bare feet.
Waning sun,
scattered across my face.
Purring feline,
fuzzy on my skin.

Sensations abound.
Sit and soak.
Close my eyes.
Listen.

Spring

I love the weather currently.
Warmishly chilly
Slightly breezy
Things growing
Birds doing ... bird things

Please, let me stay
Outside.

Reactionary

I am a reactionary.
I do what gets a rise out of you.

I touch you not because
I like touch
I touch you
because it makes you

Makes you happy
Makes you do things
Makes you do stupid things =)

Serkan

Furre.
(furrie? furry? fuzz ball?)
What's with your pointy ears
and tail?
Scales too, you say?

Make up your own creatures.
Make up your own life.
Must be nice...

Outdoors from Within

Open window beckons me
Come near
Enjoy the outdoors
From within

Sunlight

Sunlight.
Sunshine.
I crave it.
I do not like it.

So warm.
Calming.
Soft breeze.

But turns me
crispy
and tan.

Dislike.

Ten Years

I just spent an hour.5
reading all my posted poems
February 2010 back to
January 2000.
Ten years and counting.

ludicrously insane

so, this charade to which you have made reference...
i think you are positively insane.
"I am in fact. ludicrously insane"
good. good.
what i say is what i see and it is as i have thought it to be.
plans are falling into place nicely..... *mischievous laughter*

Dreamcatcher

Made of sticks and twine
Wrapped with care, but
apparently not too much
precision.

Hung from the wall
Elephant entwined
Beads draped within
Crystal dropped below.

Obsession

Boy, you're on my brain.
You're in my head.
That's not a good place to be.
It's dangerous in there.

Consider this your warning.
I will not mention it again.
If you fall in, don't tell me
that I didn't tell you.

You amuse me; bemuse me;
Cryptically abuse me.
I like it, I cannot
like you.

Consider yourself an obsession.
Harmless? Probably.
Intriguing? Definitely.
Time consuming? We'll see.

My Rave Drugs

Gin and Adrenalin.

Not on Your Level

I am not on your level.
I will not allow you
to drag me
down
to your level.

This is not your game.
This is not
a game.
This is my life.
I make the decisions.

I will not stoop
to you
to your level
to your pettiness.
Grow up.

Bourbon

Red wine is classy
light beer is trashy

I'm just a Kentucky girl
so I drink my Bourbon straight.
;)

1000 Years

We've been here for 1000 years
And you still haven't learned
I'm not like you
This will never work

Why are we so repetitive?
The first four times ended
...in utter disaster
This shall be no different.

You always try
I always fall.
Over and over,
Again and again.

Will we ever learn?
We've been here 1000 years
And can only continue
Repeating our endings.

Ryan Joseph

"I'm a father..."
Words I wasn't prepared to hear.
Words I wasn't prepared
to respond to.

I usually associate thoughts of you
with 3 Doors Down,
but I need Limp Bizkit, instead.
It really is significant.

Still not sure what to say.
Congrats? Best of luck?
Thanks for thinking of me?
...After all this time.


(I always have thought that you'd be a good dad. Do this and do it well.)

Short

Short bouts of sharp words say more than sentences ever could.