I find myself just as useful as a second opinion

I find that if I'll describe my problem as though I were telling another person, I often have my answer before I even have my words. -ses

Wedding Planning

Planning a wedding might make me an alcoholic
If it doesn't, I'm going to blame it on the wedding, anyway.

I talk to the dresses
and wink at my bourbon

Mustn't be Alone

It's quite contradictory, you see
I don't want to see
You because I love you
Because of the things you
do to me, you see, don't
you, why it is I don't,
I wont, be alone with you.
Oh, oh, to be alone with you
again.

Confession of Inadequacy

I need you. Why are you so good to me?
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night.
I have so many thoughts that I long to share with you
I don't even know where to begin.
Do I start at what you want to hear and
End with what you need to know?
Should I subject you to my every struggle?
I love you so much. It makes me cry.
You're so good to me and for me.
Sometimes I almost feel like you're too good for me
Not that I'd use that as a reason to leave
Or to do wrong
But if anything, something to strive toward.

CRAZY

CRAZY
I am effin crazy.
What am I thinking?
Am I thinking?
WTF?!

I need to do some serious decision making
I need to pull on my big girl pants
and be honest.
Firstly with myself.
What is it I need to do
in order to move in that direction?
I need to surround myself
with good people and good friends.
I should seek out level-headed,
mature female friends.
I'm tired of the lies of
everyday life,
But Oh! how I perpetuate them myself.
What is it I've become at this level
to which I have sunken myself?
Time to pick up the pieces
and make a slow moasic of
what is left.



"Life is a mystery to be lived,
Not a problem to be solved."
~ Søren Kierkegaard

Chooser

They say beggars can't be choosers,
but I'm only begging for what I want.

Love is Not Enough

"You look like you love him a lot."
I do. But love isn't enough.
He is so fantastic to me.
Such an amazing individual.
Not for me? Not right now?

I feel peace about this internal decision.
Fear of loss and pain.
Terrified of what this means
...for both of us.
It hurts me the most
to know how badly I will hurt him.
I love him so much.
Maybe not enough.
Love is not enough.

Anyway, Perhaps

There are always choices to be made
Some are more difficult than others

Love.
Tears.
Apart.

Fear of arrival
Un or announced

I cannot lie to you
I cannot even stretch truths

You know me
You read me
You love me

What is love, anyway?

Almost Ready

Alright.
Almost done.
Ready.
For you.
For us.
Forever.



Back to monotony?
No.
We're better.
Right?
We can do this.
Right?
Keep some excitement.
Have some fun.

Not on Your Level

I am not on your level.
I will not allow you
to drag me
down
to your level.

This is not your game.
This is not
a game.
This is my life.
I make the decisions.

I will not stoop
to you
to your level
to your pettiness.
Grow up.

Plan B

The fact that I don't have a plan B,
And plan A is so costly...
The consequences of a failed A
are not something to contemplate.
It must not happen.
It is not an option.
There is no room for a plan B.

*Bone Marrow*

Some time last spring Smiley and Drew decided to go to a blood drive and donate. I tagged along for lack of a more interesting afternoon. While there, on a short and random spark of goodwill towards mankind, I opted to sign up to be a bone marrow donor. I debated with myself for a bit and almost decided not do it, but in the end, I went ahead and signed up with the National Marrow Donor Program.

Insert now -many months later- a lady calls my house and tells my mother that I have come up as a match in their database. My mom, not really sure about what she wants, takes her number instead of giving her a way to contact me.

I talk to my mom on Friday and she informs me that I have been matched and the recipient will be a 61 old male. This is all the info I get. My first thought is that I would be more supportive if it were a young person with a lot of life left to live. My next, and quite deeply felt, thought is that this is the age of my father. Despite 61 sounding old, I look at my parents and realize that someone of this age (having taken care of their health) can also still have a lot of time left.

I wait till Monday and call the lady, Bobbie, back. Explaining who I am she sounds a little surprised, perhaps that I actually called back. With a little relief on my end, she explains to me that they are not after my marrow just yet. I am A match, not necessarily THE match.

She gives me the option of remaining in the program from this point to see how well I do match or, because I am a college student, she tells me I can choose to be suspended from the database until later if I would like. I chose to stay.

They will be doing more testing and may have to draw some blood to continue in the search to see if I am the best match or not. I have no idea how many options are available to this man. It may be many. It may be few.

I should be contacted again some time in February for an update of where things are. IF I am decided as the best match I will find out around April and the procedure will not happen till the beginning of the summer.

I do not have any idea how this will turn out. But it shall be interesting for sure.
I will post updates as I know things.

coincidences & fate

I don't believe in coincidences
and I don't believe in fate.
Any situation that seems to be either
should be looked at with a sense of humor
and made a wise decision about.


...another philosophy to add to my life...

The Greener Side

I know better than
to give up what I have
for something that might be

I don't know
how long I can convince myself
this is true

I don't know if what I have
is really better
than what could be

Is the grass really
the same color
on the other side?

Only there is no grass
But only people
involved in this fence.

None the less, I sit
squarely
in the middle

Some things change
...honey...
But some things never do.