Boy, I love you more than words can say
Boy, I love you more than the tears in my emotionless eyes can display

posted from Bloggeroid

Try. And Fail.

I try and I try
and I just feel stupid

It's not your fault
It's just the way I am

I hold my head high
and hold the tears back

I round the corner
and let them flow

I try and I succeed
except for that one detail

One detail.
I fail.

WHY did you DO that?
I... I... just thought...

I'm ...sorry
I'll do better next time

Although
A next time is unlikely.

A Truth

Sometimes your honesty really breaks my spirit

posted from Bloggeroid

Empty, Hollow, Neglected

I feel empty when you treat me like I don't need you
I feel
so hollow
I feel neglected when you take me at face value
I feel taken for granted when you assume
I need more intimate communication with you
I feel so alone when you assume kissing me on the forehead is enough
I need
You

posted from Bloggeroid

Effect

If you don't know how I'm feeling,
You don't know me very well.

If you have no desire to read what I say,
I tell myself you still care, just not my way.

If you don't know why I listen to what I do,
Then you've never been here before.

If my emotionless state dumbfounds you,
You don't affect me deep enough.

If you question what I say,
You're getting closer to the truth.

If I hear one more time that "it'll all be okay,"
I might show you that it's not.

You push, I pull. You pull, I push.
Nothing will ever be resolved.

Paranoia

What imagination I have often displays itself in the form of paranoia.

posted from Bloggeroid

Goodbye for Now

I've never really had to say goodbye to someone before
It hurts more than I had anticipated
Forgive me for my sentimentality and emotion
There have been farewells, but always voluntary

Please, no regrets for anything that didn't happen
For I know neither of us regret anything that did
Only good memories from here on
Remember our late nights and drunken conversations

Ten years isn't really that long in the span of a life
Be careful
I'll try to keep in touch
Call me when you're home

Short

Short bouts of sharp words say more than sentences ever could.

Taken

I need to leave you alone
I cannot have you
because I, myself, have been had
It doesn't stop the feelings I have
Doesn't stop the complication
...I mean interestingness.
I have already sloshed your life around
enough as it is.
Me, a taken girl, should be sure
to not lead you on
(however much I'd like to).
I would hate to be the one
to make you miss another opportunity.

Grr

Hatred.
Stupid.
Angry.

Life doesn't have to be like this.
...Right?

God(s) help me.

Not as Strong as I Pretend to be

Sometimes I get scared
I'm not as strong as I pretend to be

It hurts so much just to admit that to you
I suppose you already know
But to admit that I have to keep relearning
I'm not as strong as I pretend to be

Pretend

I know I can talk to you
Just sometimes I forget that

Afraid of what you'll say
Afraid of what you'll think

I really am not as strong
as I pretend to be

I am afraid of you
I am afraid of me

What if I give you
too much of myself?

What Then

And sometimes I get scared,
of how little I really know you
of how little you really know [about] me

What if we don't last forever
(Not that I am planning for us to)
(But I'm not planning otherwise)

Sometimes I get scared
I really don't have it [all] under control
I am terrified of life

What if I give you too much
What happens if it doesn't work
How would I go on without you

I do get so scared
(Afraid of the world
Afraid of life)

A Sequence of (Honest) Thought

I don't know how I feel about you.
I miss you vehemently when I don't see you for a few days.
I don't know how to talk to you on the phone, which leaves a bit of an awkward taste in my mouth.
I still get butterflies when you kiss me.
As much as I want you and want you to touch me, I know better.
Being able to trust you is such an emotional thing for me.
I am in love with your blatant honesty, however, it does scare me a little
I thoroughly enjoy discussing religious issues with you (and always have)
Now, though, I am hesitant, afraid I will find something to turn my mind against you.
The day I can get my mind and heart on the same page will be astounding.
I dare not push either one, for I know what can happen.
I am not pushing myself, but nor am I holding myself back any longer.
I am not afraid. I am terrified.
I know better than to plan my future, but one must have an idea to follow.
I have no idea where I am going, but I am thinking of staying close to you.
You say you love me.
I don't love you.
You accept this.
I am exceptionally fond of you.
I am falling for you.
I am not afraid of you.
I am terrified. In a lovely sort of way.
I don't know what to think of you.
*and she rereads and smiles as the cursor blinks on an empty line*

Need to feel Alive

I want to scream.
I need to cry.
[it is raining outside
the window is open
a car drives by]


This helpless restriction I feel
I need to feel life
I need to live

I Wasn't Alone

Depression.
I've been there.
But I didn't want to give up.
I wasn't alone.
It was dark all around
I may have been afraid
But I wasn't alone
I had someone there with me
Holding my right hand*
I had you, God, guiding me
In, and through,
to the light at the end
I was never alone
Even the times I was lonely
I was never alone


*Isiah 41:10-13

Recovery Phase

I need to keep check on my feelings
Find out what's going on
Why I'm feeling this way

I think I am falling hard and fast

Thank you for being stronger than me
While I discover who I am and
Recover from who I used to be

Hurting You, Saving Me

I feel like I can't do anything but hurt you.
It's an never ending pattern.
Each time: I get trapped, get out, fall in again.
I make myself so hard that the only one who can harm me is
Me.
I can't see beyond my mind
Can't actually comprehend what I do to people
"He didn't have to get involved."
"I didn't get hurt, he could have protected himself."
I suppose some people are willing to let themselves be vulnerable
I can't seem to do that.
I won't let myself risk that much.
If I don't let you get close to me, you can't hurt me.
...Only I can.
Therefore I protect myself from you and from me.
If I keep you at a distance, then
perhaps neither of us will suffer this time around.

I don't know how to let people get close to me.
Please don't be physical with me.
I can't handle it.
Really. It's true.

Selfish in my Silence

It hurts me so badly inside
To think what I've done
What I've done to both of us
I've cost you so much
Led you so far
Lied in my silence
Lied in my actions
Lied in my expressions
I am so selfish
I should have just told you to leave

Offering to You

You don't know me
for as much as you do
as much as I tell you
You don't know me

Someday.
Find me in the right mood
and I'll tell you things
that you do not know.

Things deep inside.
Things I hide.
Things I claim not to know.
Things I am offering to you.

I want you to know
I want to tell you everything
I don't know where to begin
I don't know where to end.

I don't want you to pity me,
humor me if nothing else.
Don't discredit what I have.
Just let me talk.