I found a picture of us

I found a picture of us together
Look at us, we look so happy.
What ever even happened?
I went away to college.
We never saw each other. The distance was just too much.
But all the times before that,
it never really worked then, either.
We tried, and tried again.
Love and sexuality and common interest
somehow wasn't enough.
We were both intellictuals
fascinated in all the ways of the world.
We dreamed big, but never seemed to achieve.
You dreamed big and never seemed to achieve.
I never really dreamed, just bumbled my way along,
desperate to leave town.
You were so quite
and always so sorry.
"It's not your fault."
"I'm still sorry."

I found a picture of us together.
We looked so happy, it brought some tears to my eyes.
Our stars just never aligned.

Everything I Am Reminds Me of You

I'm terrified of reinventing myself
However, sometimes I'm not sure
that there's any other option.
Everything that I am
reminds me of you
and us
and what was
and everything that wasn't
and isn't
and cannot
Be.

Married

If I married for money
I'd have long moved away from here.

If I married for practicality,
I'd find a chiropractor.

If I married out of passion,
It would have come and gone.

If I married for love,
I'd be right where I am.

posted from Bloggeroid

Fourteen Days

Fourteen Days
this time in
fourteen days

I'll be married.

What the hell.
I'm so young.
I have so far to grow.

Wedding Planning

Planning a wedding might make me an alcoholic
If it doesn't, I'm going to blame it on the wedding, anyway.

I talk to the dresses
and wink at my bourbon

Empty, Hollow, Neglected

I feel empty when you treat me like I don't need you
I feel
so hollow
I feel neglected when you take me at face value
I feel taken for granted when you assume
I need more intimate communication with you
I feel so alone when you assume kissing me on the forehead is enough
I need
You

posted from Bloggeroid

Neither Both Or the Other

I swing wildly between
"I love you so much, I want to spend the rest of my life with you!!"
to
"What the hell am I thinking??"

I cry myself to sleep
I bawl in the shower
I cry when you're holding me
I sob when you're not.

I love it when you touch me,
squeeze me.
Then I forget who you are for a moment
and drift away.

Away, to things that have been.
Away, to things that could be.
Why isn't this that?
That could never be this.

Why is one so wrong,
both so right,
neither so fulfilling.
That is so wrong.

At Odds

Why can I not draw cohesive lines
between who I am and what I like?

A combination of many little pieces
of many parts
of life. As a whole,
I do not properly fit anywhere.

Someday,
this combination that you so like in me,
darkness and light,
will rip me asunder.

posted from Bloggeroid

giddy

i love you
and
i love us

and

i'm excited
and stuff

Hurting Everyone

how ya been

stressed.

why so

i think this bout is due to boys.

uh oh who has hurt your heart

just me.

i refuse to give it to little boys to break.

so i break theirs.

...and my own.

well you shouldn’t give it to little boys only men who will cherish it and nurture it

i have/had one of those.

but i decided that i might rather play with the little boys for a while.

so i'm just hurting everyone.....

You Do Realize...?

You do realize...?
Not with him
does not equate
with you.

You introduced
the F-word.
Forever.
Something so strong.

I appriciate
your honesty.
I do like to know
where you stand.

Equally as
important
is to note
I'm not there.

Coming from
something serious,
I don't want
to jump right back.

You do realize...?
Not with him
does not mean
Yours.

The intimacy
that I have now
is not
Yours.

The emptiness
that I feel
is not
yours to fill.

The hurt
that I created
is mine.
I need to deal.

You do realize...?
Not with him
Does not make me
Yours to claim.

Love is Not Enough

"You look like you love him a lot."
I do. But love isn't enough.
He is so fantastic to me.
Such an amazing individual.
Not for me? Not right now?

I feel peace about this internal decision.
Fear of loss and pain.
Terrified of what this means
...for both of us.
It hurts me the most
to know how badly I will hurt him.
I love him so much.
Maybe not enough.
Love is not enough.

The End Could Be Neigh

But I love you
I don't want to be through
You keep me safe
You keep me sane

This may be the end, though
To what we have
To what we've built
and carefully crafted

You and I, we're just not the same
(no matter how much I try)
We're not on the same level
Though equal we may be

Good things and more

I want what you offer me
I want where you can take my life
I love you for who you are

You By My Side

I want to do things with you
That I want to do with other people
I mean that generally

I want to get drunk; be stupid;
Stay up all night; laugh; joke;
Converse; go out in the wee morning;

I'm not ready to be mature again
I want to feel college; feel young
I do want to do it all with you by my side

Almost Ready

Alright.
Almost done.
Ready.
For you.
For us.
Forever.



Back to monotony?
No.
We're better.
Right?
We can do this.
Right?
Keep some excitement.
Have some fun.

i miss you

i miss you.
and i dont know what to do.

i dont mean physically.
i mean mentally and emotionally.

you and i are not close anymore.
what happened, where did it go?

did i leave?
or did you just not care?

i miss you.
this isn't what i want.

i've tried to satisfy myself elsewhere
i miss your brain. i miss you.

i've been stupid.
will you forgive me?

i've been stupid.
that doesn't bring you any closer.

i dont want all of this.
i want you. i miss you.

Taken

I need to leave you alone
I cannot have you
because I, myself, have been had
It doesn't stop the feelings I have
Doesn't stop the complication
...I mean interestingness.
I have already sloshed your life around
enough as it is.
Me, a taken girl, should be sure
to not lead you on
(however much I'd like to).
I would hate to be the one
to make you miss another opportunity.

This Love Thing

I like you quite a lot.
And I love you.
However, I believe,
I am falling in love with you
much more than ever
has been before.

It really is somewhat
disgusting to my brain,
this whole love thing.
But you make me happy always;
just to be around you,
and in your presence.

I'm enamored,
absorbed,
addicted
to who you are.
And exceptionally content
to call you mine.

Together

I like you quite a lot
And I love you
However, I believe
I am falling in love with you
much more than ever before

It really is somewhat
disgusting to my brain
You make me happy always, anyway
just to be around you,
in your presence

I'm enamored,
absorbed,
addicted
to who you are.

Occasionally it brings thoughts of
marriage, houses, money,
our lives as one
and perhaps producing more.

And I stop.
PAUSE.
We're so young. So much life left.
Neither of us are prepared for anything more.

But I still like to fantasize
that we'll be together from here and beyond.