Question All

I am uncertain whether I begin to question all the facets of life and it leads to a depressed state.
OR
If I near a depressed state and then I begin to question all the facets of life.

Never to be known.

Drunk and Depressed

drunk and depressed
always leads to the same thing
me calling on you
to talk to me
whining to you
about how we're
so wrong, so right
crying out to anyone
that i don't understand
these things
that I've got myself into

Depressive Birthdays

I'm fat and depressed
What happened?

My birthday always seems
To be less than happy

If I recall,
this is a several year streak

Not the fat,
that's a new thing.

The depressive birthdays.

Contributing Factor

Perhaps it's the loss of control that makes me feel this way.

posted from Bloggeroid

Buzzword: Downward

Downward spiral is the buzzword for today
Depression, my friend, where have you been
Don't pass me by without sufficient muse
Deposit my fair share of daily inspiration

Effect

If you don't know how I'm feeling,
You don't know me very well.

If you have no desire to read what I say,
I tell myself you still care, just not my way.

If you don't know why I listen to what I do,
Then you've never been here before.

If my emotionless state dumbfounds you,
You don't affect me deep enough.

If you question what I say,
You're getting closer to the truth.

If I hear one more time that "it'll all be okay,"
I might show you that it's not.

You push, I pull. You pull, I push.
Nothing will ever be resolved.

Pretty, Shiny Things

Perhaps,
the best way
to deal with my stress
and frustration
is to take
all my clothes off
and
put on
lots of fancy jewelry

Fight
my depression
with pearls
and jewels
and pretty, shiny things

Have
a drink or two
just to chill the nerves

Want to Let Go

If I hit rock bottom and let go of it all
Will that make life simpler?
Will I disappoint you all on my way down?
Surely you can rise up without me.

I Wasn't Alone

Depression.
I've been there.
But I didn't want to give up.
I wasn't alone.
It was dark all around
I may have been afraid
But I wasn't alone
I had someone there with me
Holding my right hand*
I had you, God, guiding me
In, and through,
to the light at the end
I was never alone
Even the times I was lonely
I was never alone


*Isiah 41:10-13

It's All Temporary Anyway

The physical pain relieves the mental strain
small incision, little slit, not (too) much damage
not killing myself, just want a little escape
a temporary solution for a temporary problem
not killing myself, I rather like living
a temporary solution for the fear I have inside
not killing myself, just want to know I'm still alive

I don't expect you to understand
this is something that I struggle with as well
what it is inside me that makes me feel the way I do,
what it is inside me that makes me do the things I do,
what it is inside me that causes me to be who I am

This person, not killing herself, but looking
looking for a temporary solution to a problem
This temporary solution causing a temporary problem
to push aside all the permanent, distasteful solutions



[*Not inspired by recent events, but recollection and understanding of the past*]

Keep Smiling

It's my 20th birthday.
I'm depressed.
I feel like a whore.
I might as well keep the charade going
and dress in pretty colors...

Offering to You

You don't know me
for as much as you do
as much as I tell you
You don't know me

Someday.
Find me in the right mood
and I'll tell you things
that you do not know.

Things deep inside.
Things I hide.
Things I claim not to know.
Things I am offering to you.

I want you to know
I want to tell you everything
I don't know where to begin
I don't know where to end.

I don't want you to pity me,
humor me if nothing else.
Don't discredit what I have.
Just let me talk.

Tears in my Voice

I need to talk to you,
but I can't right now.
I want you to know how bad I hurt,
but I don't want you to hear
the tears in my voice.

depressed sometimes

I feel like a such a crazy girl sometimes.
I try not to get depressed, sometimes.
I don't know what to do / not to
do, say / not to say, though.

I get depressed
I think, I write, I cry;
I smile, I move on.

Façade

If you keep your façade somewhat loose,
things bounce off the exterior.
But once you're wound too taught,
the slightest bump will make you crack.

(visual: chisel lightly tapping on the shell of an egg)

depressed?

"Try Sarah. Just try to be happy."

It's like trying to have red hair.
No matter how long I stare in the mirror
and try to make it red
it's still not.

They are Angry

I know how it feels now
So utterly alone
(With) No one to call
I Understand

I don't trust them
They don't need to hear
They won't listen
They are angry with me
Who does this leave me to talk to


I need to take a shower & calm down.

To Cry

to cry,
drop a tear,
gently,
splashing,
a small dot on the paper,
drys up,
is gone,
never there,
no one knows.

Angry Inside

the anger,
the pain,
I feel it.
don't understand it.
want to express it.
don't know how.

so I write in red,
to show my furry.
and yet, I don't know
from wince it cometh.

I don't know myself
any longer.
the pills, the drugs,
they changed me
...in a way I don't understand,
or maybe they just covered
it all so I couldn't see.

I am angry inside and I don't understand why.

Moments

Moments of anger, moments of rage,
Sometimes the tears take over,
I sit and think about things,
In my mind, turning them over.

What's wrong with me?
I'm a happy person
Until the other side takes over.
Am I a skitzo person?

I am beautiful, I know that
My problems aren't like others
Teen girls have beauty issues
I'm not like this, I'm one of the others.

This is a poem to myself
To help me find myself out
I need to see who I am
So I can let this person out.

Writing is a big part of my life
For me it's a relief
Let's me express my mood,
It's a harmless sort of relief.