Restriction

Restriction is a strange beast
If you tell me "not to..."
I'll assume that the subject matter
is murky enough that it requires direction.

However, if you tell me "not to..."
I'll assume that all the nots
are clearly enough defined
that further inquiry is not necessary.

If you tell me "not to..."
I'll assume that all else is acceptable.

If you tell me not to touch here,
I'll assume that touching
there, there, and/or there
is a perfectly fine way to go about things.

If you tell me not to drink the red,
I'll assume that the
white, pink and clear
are around for free game.

If you tell me not to turn it off
well, I'll assume that unplugging is also off limits.

I'll always be here to toe the line.
Restrict me in all or none,
because if you aren't totally clear,
I'll take my assumptions and run.

Making New Friends (or lack thereof)

Even with the target picked out,

I do not know how to, metaphorically,

pull the trigger, to just do it,

step up, say- hi, my name is...

What is the secret, the hidden gem,

the talent, no gusto, to just- smile.

Hi.

I think you are fascinating.

The way you do what you do,

say the things the way you say,

you look- like someone interesting.

Hi.

Can we hang out sometime, be friends.

Am I going about this the wrong way,

the way of the wrong kind, what kind.

Who am I, do you find what I have

to be interesting, to be worth your time.

Am I quiet strange a little weird just a little off.

Hi.

Can we- just sit and talk and be chill.

What do you do with whom and when.

Can I come, can I ask, can I do that, too.

Contributing Factor

Perhaps it's the loss of control that makes me feel this way.

posted from Bloggeroid

Neither Both Or the Other

I swing wildly between
"I love you so much, I want to spend the rest of my life with you!!"
to
"What the hell am I thinking??"

I cry myself to sleep
I bawl in the shower
I cry when you're holding me
I sob when you're not.

I love it when you touch me,
squeeze me.
Then I forget who you are for a moment
and drift away.

Away, to things that have been.
Away, to things that could be.
Why isn't this that?
That could never be this.

Why is one so wrong,
both so right,
neither so fulfilling.
That is so wrong.

I love you. I hate you.

I love you. I hate you.
I don't like dragging you in circles.
I want to hold onto you and push you away.
I want to rip you from my life and talk to you at every second.
No, I don't have a plan.
No, I don't know what to do or what i am going to do.

Air

What is this?
What now?
Am I just blindly grasping at thin air?

Ryan Joseph

"I'm a father..."
Words I wasn't prepared to hear.
Words I wasn't prepared
to respond to.

I usually associate thoughts of you
with 3 Doors Down,
but I need Limp Bizkit, instead.
It really is significant.

Still not sure what to say.
Congrats? Best of luck?
Thanks for thinking of me?
...After all this time.


(I always have thought that you'd be a good dad. Do this and do it well.)

Ghost from Years Past

It caught me so off guard
because it didn't just 'happen'
it was a ghost from the past
reappearing to make me question
all I believe in and hold dear

Taken

I need to leave you alone
I cannot have you
because I, myself, have been had
It doesn't stop the feelings I have
Doesn't stop the complication
...I mean interestingness.
I have already sloshed your life around
enough as it is.
Me, a taken girl, should be sure
to not lead you on
(however much I'd like to).
I would hate to be the one
to make you miss another opportunity.

A New Me

I don't know who I am anymore
I peg other people
know how they will respond
I peg myself
try to tell others how I will respond,
how i think I will respond,
how I think I should respond,
How I've responded before.

I'm really not sure who i am though
I need to realign myself with my identity
Or perhaps find my identity
but where to look if
I'm not who I was
and don't know who to be


I must be careful
not to base off anyone else
make my own self:
Who I am,
What I think,
only.

I Don't Understand

How can you hate who you've been,
When, if you'd never been who you were
You could never be who you are?

i want to be angry

not at anyone in particular.
and for no apparent reason.
i just feel like being angry.

but i guess i won't be.
i can't think of a good reason...

Double Exposed

Double exposed photos
Double exposed mind
thoughts, dreams, hallucinations
(Is it real, is it not?)
(I'm in my bed, You're in my room?)
I'm in two places at once,
One physical,
One merely lapsed over.
Which layer am I on?
Underneath it all?
Lying on top?
So many questions,
So little understanding,
What is it my mind does?

They are Angry

I know how it feels now
So utterly alone
(With) No one to call
I Understand

I don't trust them
They don't need to hear
They won't listen
They are angry with me
Who does this leave me to talk to


I need to take a shower & calm down.

This

I am having issues
I like you
and most days I want you
but
I don't want this

This wasn't supposed to happen in the first place
I didn't want a relationship
I didn't want a man
I was doing just great on my own

Where did you come from
Where did this come from
I didn't have a reason to say yes
and yet,
I still didn't say no.

How I feel

I'm so confused
and it's not by anything
It's just my own thoughts
the denial
and
reality of them.
I know how I feel.
I don't know
what to do with
how I feel?

I like him
I don't l**e him!
...do I?
How
...could I?

I know how I feel
but what to do
with how I feel?
Do I keep it to myself
or
share?

I'm just afraid.
I may wreck my feelings
by giving into them
or
my heart
for not.

Life, Love, Reality

love, life, reality
these words contradict so harshly
desiring to understand one, brings
the other two crashing down,
down upon one’s self.

Come to consciousness under a pile
of thoughts, feelings, emotions.
Not sure which way to go,
turning in circles,
getting nothing done.

I don’t know what this is I feel.
I feel, but cannot explain.
Confusion consumes me.

Come to under the weight
of unknown feelings
of life, love, reality.

Feelings Change

I can’t fight this war any longer,
I can’t control these feelings in me,
They are struggling to be released.
I must let them out,
Tell you how I feel,
And what this does to me
But…

How do I describe your caring heart,
How I can’t care for you any longer?

Let Me Alone

You confuse me so
I don’t want you
I have you
I can’t hurt you
I won’t hurt you

I miss my freedom
I miss my singleness
I miss my guys

I want to be flirt
I want to be free
I want to have full control of me

Don’t tell me what to do
Don’t pin me down
Let me alone
before I revoke you and yours.

Away

My own thoughts are so loud
I can’t hear the silence.

And suddenly I realize,
Your screaming.

You yell so loud,
Yet I can’t hear you.

I see you, I can’t hear you.
I try to ignore you.

Go away, I think,
You can’t hear my thoughts.

I’ve got to get up,
Go away, away,

Away from here,
Away from you.

You’ve gone through it all,
I trusted you with everything.

You’ve crushed all my hopes.
I trusted you.

Now I realize,
I’ve made a mistake.