Grieving

We've all grieved her upcoming death.
All we can do is wait for her to pass
And then grieve again.
Right now, just the waiting,
Seems like the calm before the storm.


May you rest in peace, Carol.

Double Standard of Thought

I'd tell you what I think
but you'd tell me I shouldn't think that way
and if I called you out on it,
you'd tell me I shouldn't care what you think.

My Silence for Your Suffering

If I tell you my pain,
it will only increase your own.
So silence will be my stance
Until

I wish not to increase your suffering
Even if you don't see it as needless

Irritation

Irritation rubbed,
makes resentment.
Wound not so deep,
now insufferable.

Impatience tugs.
Vision is blurred.
Stillness vanishes,
under rule of chaos.

Pause and breath.
Bring perspective.
Irritation is wrinkle,
life is satisfaction.

Struggling. I feel a need to legitimately call out the problem(s), but I don't want to be the one screaming and pointing fingers.

"If you know what you are going to write when you're writing a poem, it's going to be average." ~ Derek Walcott

Drunk and Depressed

drunk and depressed
always leads to the same thing
me calling on you
to talk to me
whining to you
about how we're
so wrong, so right
crying out to anyone
that i don't understand
these things
that I've got myself into

Different Lifestyles

I want to be more like you,
but I know you're bad for me
and where I aim to go.

I always looked up to you.
Found you to be something wonderful.

Then I grew up.

I still want to be like you.
You're life is so glamorous,
So full of adventure

And trials, I'm sure.

With the things you do,
I'm sure there's no shortage.

The things you do,
The things you feel free to do,
The way you freely give yourself,

It must be painful.
For you mentally;
and for your family to witness.

But perhaps it's that you don't feel,
anymore,
the pain, or much of anything.

You're so beautiful;
Even chocked full of drugs.
I don't look up to you any more.

But I still wish my life
were a little more
like yours.

Used to Know

Ouch.
Thanks for the consideration.

I'll just pretend like you can't hurt me.
That's how I made it this far.

How many years has it been since we spoke?
Just because I move on
and you messed up your life
Doesn't mean I don't want to be part of it.

Thanks for the notification.
Thanks for the invite.
Thanks for the unfriending.
No thanks for the lack of information.

You always said you'd be around
You always said you'd always be there
Now you're no where to be found.
Now you're not even interested anymore.

Now you're just someone that I used to know.

Needing a Change

I want to be something
other than what I am
Something slightly darker than
what I present myself to be

Passion

Passion and stability are naturally separate entities
Passion is a fire that will burn a hole in itself

posted from Bloggeroid

I found a picture of us

I found a picture of us together
Look at us, we look so happy.
What ever even happened?
I went away to college.
We never saw each other. The distance was just too much.
But all the times before that,
it never really worked then, either.
We tried, and tried again.
Love and sexuality and common interest
somehow wasn't enough.
We were both intellictuals
fascinated in all the ways of the world.
We dreamed big, but never seemed to achieve.
You dreamed big and never seemed to achieve.
I never really dreamed, just bumbled my way along,
desperate to leave town.
You were so quite
and always so sorry.
"It's not your fault."
"I'm still sorry."

I found a picture of us together.
We looked so happy, it brought some tears to my eyes.
Our stars just never aligned.

Louder, Louder...

Maybe if I turn the music
up loud enough I won't
be able
to hear my own thoughts
blaring, racing
through my head

Transparency

Am I too transparent?
Not transparent enough?
Or is it that I just go about it
the wrong way?

Everything I Am Reminds Me of You

I'm terrified of reinventing myself
However, sometimes I'm not sure
that there's any other option.
Everything that I am
reminds me of you
and us
and what was
and everything that wasn't
and isn't
and cannot
Be.

Doubly Inflicted

Such a small scale
Such a precarious balance
Taken so far granted

Doubly inflicted.

Normalcy

Don't You tell me
what normal is or
what normal does.
For neither of us care much
for this Normalcy.

posted from Bloggeroid

Never Can Kill This Thing

I feel like
I'll never kill this
thing that looms
over my past
present
and undeniably
questionable
perhaps my
future

posted from Bloggeroid

Your Choices are Yours

The moar I've had to drink,
The less sorry I feel for you

You made the choices
To be who you are

posted from Bloggeroid

:)

A little bit of alcohol
Some good electronic music
Prompts a headful of thoughts
I can entertain myself for hours

posted from Bloggeroid

Living Memories

I relive memories as though they are something other than what they are.
As if they could touch and move and become a life all their own.

Growing from a point of what was at one pinprick in time
To what? To nothing? Not what could be, but still only what was

But it was! And it was alive! Breathing, moving. Growing at that time.
Until the moment that the real life movement ends. The living dream.

It was, really quite a dream, a moment like that, now stuck.
Perpetually in replay. Encapsulated, not living, in my living brain.

Jerk.

Apparently, I try too hard,
care too much.
I don't want to care less
I just want to know how
to deal with your uncaring
jerkishness.

I will not do your bidding

I'm washing my hands of your business

You want me to do it and do it

your way.

You can have it, but I wash my hands

of this and your way.

Silence is golden
but
Conversation is key

I won't deny that I love you
and have loved you
I am expressly happy where I am
and whatever innate bond we share
may be powerful, but I will not
let it destroy this.

What do I do with you?

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

I don't know what your defining as "okay"
I don't know what your defining as "the end"
But you have a good chance of being okay
Before and at times other than
the end
And you have a good chance of reaching
the end
At a time that is not okay


It's not that I'm overly pessimistic, I'm just overly realistic.

posted from Bloggeroid

I ran out of wine
And I don't like to sleep
Pinterest has consumed my life
And I need some IRL friends

The cat wont let me move the mouse
And I'm getting cold

Restriction

Restriction is a strange beast
If you tell me "not to..."
I'll assume that the subject matter
is murky enough that it requires direction.

However, if you tell me "not to..."
I'll assume that all the nots
are clearly enough defined
that further inquiry is not necessary.

If you tell me "not to..."
I'll assume that all else is acceptable.

If you tell me not to touch here,
I'll assume that touching
there, there, and/or there
is a perfectly fine way to go about things.

If you tell me not to drink the red,
I'll assume that the
white, pink and clear
are around for free game.

If you tell me not to turn it off
well, I'll assume that unplugging is also off limits.

I'll always be here to toe the line.
Restrict me in all or none,
because if you aren't totally clear,
I'll take my assumptions and run.

That Type of Person

when I hear you say
"you don't look like the type..."
all I hear you say
is that I don't fit
into your predefined notions
of what life is
and should look like

posted from Bloggeroid

Try - and End with Tears

Try and fail
Maybe next time
Maybe not
Try and end with tears

posted from Bloggeroid

We Aren't So Different

I'll write a letter to you in my sleep
Maybe I'll send it some day
I want you to know I care, but
I'm afraid I'll scare you away.

We really aren't so different, you and I,
Our raising, similar
Our curiosity, biting
Our skittishness, familiar

No one understands, do they?
Nor do I , I won't claim I do.
But I do know that feeling
Different as it may be - and what comes next

The things I'd say to you,
if I thought you'd listen,
if I thought you'd care.
Sometimes it helps to hear someone else.

I don't even know, though
if this is about you or more
about me and my own insecurities.
I don't know how to help.

Maybe, someday, I'll write you a letter
And send it--only too late.
You'll say, "why didn't you tell me?"
"...I was scared."

This is for You

I updated this for you,
This time around.
I doubt you read this.
I doubt you care.
But this update is dedicated to both of our sanity.
You can talk to us, if you need to
...really.
♥

posted from Bloggeroid

Feeling Boring

What's wrong with me?
Do I shelter myself, still?
Is it because I have high standards and morals?
Am I boring?

Obviously, I'm not boring.
Maybe overly mysterious?
Maybe too hard to know.
Do I need to loosen up some?

Do I hide how boring I am
with how mysterious I appear to be?
Once you break through the mystery,
Maybe there's just a blank expanse.

Well, then.
I suppose I can build on empty;
Paint on a blank canvas;
Create something worth being known for.

Paranoid

I'm only paranoid because I know there are people worse than me.

posted from Bloggeroid

Making New Friends (or lack thereof)

Even with the target picked out,

I do not know how to, metaphorically,

pull the trigger, to just do it,

step up, say- hi, my name is...

What is the secret, the hidden gem,

the talent, no gusto, to just- smile.

Hi.

I think you are fascinating.

The way you do what you do,

say the things the way you say,

you look- like someone interesting.

Hi.

Can we hang out sometime, be friends.

Am I going about this the wrong way,

the way of the wrong kind, what kind.

Who am I, do you find what I have

to be interesting, to be worth your time.

Am I quiet strange a little weird just a little off.

Hi.

Can we- just sit and talk and be chill.

What do you do with whom and when.

Can I come, can I ask, can I do that, too.

Friends?

If I say how I feel,
you'll call me a liar.
If I say I want friends,
you'll wave to yourself.
When I tell you you're not what I'm looking for,
you'll tell me I'm the problem.

Silent Screams

The silent screams
are the most painful of all

Nowhere to go
Nothing that can be said

I cannot make a sound
all is turned inward

Scream, my soul does
Silence, my lips say

My body consumed
in unspoken conflict

Limp, desiring not to be seen
Rigid, longing for escape, freedom

Languid eyes, slowly search
seeking some solace within sight

Nothing, there is, that can ease
this long and loathsome day