Early Christmas Morning

So I just realized it is Christmas
It is also almost 5 AM
No Santa at our place tonight
Waiting up and sure of it
No old man will break in
Employment of shotgun if necessary

There has never been a Santa around here
He has never dropped by
No baking useless cookies
No wasting milk as it sits out warming
No gifts either for a long time

It's okay.
I don't need Santa Claus.
I have cynicism.

Verbose Perhaps

I am in an interesting mood.
It is a good one,
although I wouldn't define it as "good."
I don't have the descriptor to define
what it is that I feel on this night.

I'm feeling a little verbose.

a little excited
like I have listened to too much
Good Music tonight.

a little lonely
as I haven't seen my new
Favorite Person recently.

a little full on life
like I've finally realized
How Good living is.

Dark Star

I cared for you so much
sometimes still (more than I should)
I search for reasons why
and what captivated me so strongly

We were so different
so much the same
We didn't want the same things,
but we were in the same place

You are one of few
who I liked first
You caught me
and I let you into my mind

You didn't try to seduce me
it was all on my own
You didn't prod me along
it was only what I wanted

It was all so wrong
so beautifully right
It wouldn't last
thank you for not telling me

Such a short amount of time
so much time between us
Such an innocent passion
you allowed me cradle

I still don't know
how it all fell together
I am still glad
that it actually did

I Wasn't Alone

Depression.
I've been there.
But I didn't want to give up.
I wasn't alone.
It was dark all around
I may have been afraid
But I wasn't alone
I had someone there with me
Holding my right hand*
I had you, God, guiding me
In, and through,
to the light at the end
I was never alone
Even the times I was lonely
I was never alone


*Isiah 41:10-13

It's All Temporary Anyway

The physical pain relieves the mental strain
small incision, little slit, not (too) much damage
not killing myself, just want a little escape
a temporary solution for a temporary problem
not killing myself, I rather like living
a temporary solution for the fear I have inside
not killing myself, just want to know I'm still alive

I don't expect you to understand
this is something that I struggle with as well
what it is inside me that makes me feel the way I do,
what it is inside me that makes me do the things I do,
what it is inside me that causes me to be who I am

This person, not killing herself, but looking
looking for a temporary solution to a problem
This temporary solution causing a temporary problem
to push aside all the permanent, distasteful solutions



[*Not inspired by recent events, but recollection and understanding of the past*]

A New Me

I don't know who I am anymore
I peg other people
know how they will respond
I peg myself
try to tell others how I will respond,
how i think I will respond,
how I think I should respond,
How I've responded before.

I'm really not sure who i am though
I need to realign myself with my identity
Or perhaps find my identity
but where to look if
I'm not who I was
and don't know who to be


I must be careful
not to base off anyone else
make my own self:
Who I am,
What I think,
only.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

I feel like a 20 year old
I feel like a college student
I feel like I look like who I should be
Do I look like who I am?

Recovery Phase

I need to keep check on my feelings
Find out what's going on
Why I'm feeling this way

I think I am falling hard and fast

Thank you for being stronger than me
While I discover who I am and
Recover from who I used to be

Walking Out

People walk into our lives
and sometimes turn around
and walk right out again
Sometimes our friends change
and we just have to let them go

Selfish

I am so tired
I am sorry
I wanted this to be a fun night
for us both to enjoy

I feel as though I have ripped that away
with my inconsiderateness
not thinking about what I had promised you
I lived as though I was the only one to matter

Date Tonight

I still have 40 minutes at work
I am so sleepy
I have a date tonight
I will have less than 2 hrs to get ready
I need a shower
I am uncomfortable with his
apparent
level of attraction towards me
I don't mean to lead him on
I just thought it would be a fun night
and it shall be
if I can not fall asleep
and there are no plane troubles

I am Falling

What is it you do to me?
I am not like this.
I don't fall so quickly
especially upon new acquaintances
...

These Things

Things are so much more complicated than I let on
yet things are quite a bit less so than I make myself believe

These things I feel,
I don't know from wince they come.

I don't know on what basis
I can claim them.

I really don't know you
but there is so much between us.

You are in my head
and I in yours.

Both in thoughts, dreams,
and like mindedness.

You are a curiosity to me
and quite curious yourself.

...
You come sit beside me, I'm okay with that,
but now I am distracted...

Can I Keep You

you ask if you can keep me.
i tell you i have to go home later.
you know i know
that's not what you mean.

you ask if you can keep me.
i tell you
that is my favorite line in Casper.
you are not amused.

you ask if you can keep me.
what will i say this time?
i should like to say yes,
for as long as you can.

"Can I keep you?" you ask,
not tonight, my dear,
you cannot keep me just yet,
but you may detain me whenever you like.

Quiet

Stupid people above me.
Stomping.
Goodness. It's midnight.
Go to bed!
Me? I'm not in bed?
No. Of course not.
...but at least I'm quiet.

Hurting You, Saving Me

I feel like I can't do anything but hurt you.
It's an never ending pattern.
Each time: I get trapped, get out, fall in again.
I make myself so hard that the only one who can harm me is
Me.
I can't see beyond my mind
Can't actually comprehend what I do to people
"He didn't have to get involved."
"I didn't get hurt, he could have protected himself."
I suppose some people are willing to let themselves be vulnerable
I can't seem to do that.
I won't let myself risk that much.
If I don't let you get close to me, you can't hurt me.
...Only I can.
Therefore I protect myself from you and from me.
If I keep you at a distance, then
perhaps neither of us will suffer this time around.

I don't know how to let people get close to me.
Please don't be physical with me.
I can't handle it.
Really. It's true.

Walls That Need to Come Down

I have decided something.
I want to tell you what all is in my head.
Only I don't know where to start.
Or when for that matter.
I'm kinda afraid that I will change my mind,
but I am sick of these walls in my head.
I don't know how to begin either.
I will for sure need your help.
So here I go,
swallowing my pride,
asking, begging you to listen to my rambling,
tell me what you think of what I say
give me your thoughts,
tell me some of my own if you must.
You are in my head anyway.

I am sick of these walls.
I want you to be the one to break them down.
I trust you.
I'm not sure why.
I really don't know you.
I think we need more conversation.
Conversation fosters friendship
and we sure as hell need something to base this on.

But that's just what I think.

I think lots of things when it comes down to it.
Think. Wander. Become curious...
so many things.

perhaps some other time.
obviously not tonight.
but I shall talk to you when next the chance arises.

*Tags Added*

I undertook a bit of a personal goal and added tags to all (most?) of my entries. Some are not as complete as I would like, but they are there. Largely for me, so I can find and sort and such, but also for anyone else who might like to browse by topic.
=)
~seh

coincidences & fate

I don't believe in coincidences
and I don't believe in fate.
Any situation that seems to be either
should be looked at with a sense of humor
and made a wise decision about.


...another philosophy to add to my life...

A Little About Me

I am called a hippie
I am called the black plague
I have been mistaken for a freak
...go figure ;)
I listen to a little of all music
I like hunting for Bambi's daddy
I don't like people
...some individuals are okay
I don't like putting chemicals into my body
I drink mostly water
I recycle my water bottles
I don't hug trees
...but prefer to climb them
I like climbing lots of things
I am really a little kid
...but very much an adult
I don't like other people's kids
I will have my own someday
...they will know how to behave
I dislike people who choose to be unintelligent
I am not a fan of people calling "just to talk"
...but always have to have my phone
I am textually active
...but not sexually active
I am addicted to technology
...but enjoy times when it is stripped away from me
I love to go out and run
...even though I don't do it
I like to sit down for hours with a good book
...tho I don't do that often either
I do write a lot and often
...and random things, such as this

a moment of muse

Here I sit.
A misdeclared CS major
in the Engineering building.
Not knowing what I am doing.
So I whittle away at the wires
and their protective plastic casing
with my pocket knife,
while listening to Beethoven's
most elegant and brooding
moonlight sonata.

It ends.
I play it again.
Cut away a little more yellow
a little more plastic
a little more wire
a little more life.
Slowly drifting away
as with the moonlight sonata.

Life, it ebbs, it flows,
comes and goes.
So much is spent, wasted away
questioning the past.
Not listening to the music that is the present,
the beauty that is the now.

The Greener Side

I know better than
to give up what I have
for something that might be

I don't know
how long I can convince myself
this is true

I don't know if what I have
is really better
than what could be

Is the grass really
the same color
on the other side?

Only there is no grass
But only people
involved in this fence.

None the less, I sit
squarely
in the middle

Some things change
...honey...
But some things never do.

Keep Smiling

It's my 20th birthday.
I'm depressed.
I feel like a whore.
I might as well keep the charade going
and dress in pretty colors...

Selfish in my Silence

It hurts me so badly inside
To think what I've done
What I've done to both of us
I've cost you so much
Led you so far
Lied in my silence
Lied in my actions
Lied in my expressions
I am so selfish
I should have just told you to leave

What Happened?

What have I done?
Why am I so stupid?
Have I ruined another one?
My mind.
It can't take it.
No. Please don't touch me.
You mean so much to me.
You were (?) my best friend.
What happened to him?
I don't see him often these days.

Train of Sleep

My train of thought may be skattered,
But my train of sleep has been shattered.
I start to think,
I begin to write,
Where does it end?
Where does it end?


...writing upside down does not work well with a ball point pen...

What it is I See

Sometimes I wish it were possible
to capture a photograph with words.
To capture what it is I see, in words.
I know not vocabulary so elegant.
This I suppose, is where the cliche comes in,
"A picture is worth a thousand words"
If only I could capture
in so few words
the elegant beauty I see
All that is in the world.

To make a blind man see
by way of hearing
the words of page read aloud...
If only I could capture
what it is that I see.

I Choose Now

The point of life is to live,
live and look forward.
Don't look back at what you did
or didn't do,
What you had, or didn't.
Look at what is here in front of you.
Take it and run with it.
Pick an option and continue,
Continue looking forward.
None of it can be changed.
Learn. Move on. Look forward only.
I choose this.
I choose now.
I choose to live and love
my youth and in my youth.

*Letter to a Friend*

There are many things that I don't know about you anymore. From what I do know however, you are an amazingly indepth person who is always full of thought. You are very attractive and a "man in uniform." There are a lot of girls who would fall for you simply for those reasons. Keep your head clear and remember you deserve and need more than a cute little bimbo. Always look for someone equally as intellectual as yourself.
We all have things that hold us back from being who we should be, but don't discount anything in yourself. You would not be who you are if you had not been who and where you have been. Don't let yourself ruin yourself. And remember everything you do affects those who you don't see.
A person can fall in love with anyone, so beware. Make sure you like the person before you fall for them. Don't settle down just because you are ready. Find your best friend and then spend the rest of your life with them.


Dear Friend,
If you see this, please forgive me for posting it.
I only hope it to bring encouragement to others.
~S

A Little Bit of Life

You live. You die.
Enjoy it.
Realize that everything affects someone else.
Therefore treat yourself well and you will do the same to others.

Complexity of You

Every time I hear the Garth Brooks song on your page I smile.
Not because of what the song says, but bc it'll go from rock/metal then to country and it reminds me of one of the things that has attracted me to you.
You have so many sides. So many interests. Diversity. Complexity.
It's Trivium, Garth Brooks, She Wants Revenge... And each different sound fits you perfectly in each different way.
And I smile.

This Guy

I found this guy who means the world to me.
He treats me amazing
and does it without putting me on a pedestal.
He cares for me like no other,
I want to make him the happiest that I can.

He seems so sad sometimes.
I do what I can.
There is so much, as of yet,
that I do not know.
He is like no other.

Offering to You

You don't know me
for as much as you do
as much as I tell you
You don't know me

Someday.
Find me in the right mood
and I'll tell you things
that you do not know.

Things deep inside.
Things I hide.
Things I claim not to know.
Things I am offering to you.

I want you to know
I want to tell you everything
I don't know where to begin
I don't know where to end.

I don't want you to pity me,
humor me if nothing else.
Don't discredit what I have.
Just let me talk.

In a Guys Head

There is so much in a guys head
You've let me in
it terrifies me
I've heard
I haven't believed
now I know
It scares me
makes me trust you more
other guys less
there is so much you all don't show to the world

Past Life

I feel sleep begin to descend
I think only of you with me
I recall high school.
All of it.
The light here reminds me of Mrs. Akers' class.
And the mind frame, my past life.

I am too young to have a "past life"
yes?
no?
I used to be someone else.
I am different now.
I am who I was, fulfilled.
and still fulfilling.
You fulfill me.
Can I say this?
Is this bad?

Tonight, I Write

I have not written in so long.
And here. Now.
I find myself opening up.

In this dark night;
One like no other,
When I had a chance to sleep.

And I find myself writing.
I love it.
I wouldn't give it up for sleep

I chose even,
it over
my other thoughts.

My Mind is Wild and I cannot Sleep

Sleep eludes me
and my mind is wild

I think on things
beyond my time

Those older envy me
and warn me

My mind is wild
and I cannot sleep

I think only of my future
the way things should be

When I can consolidate
Make my lives into one

The way the future should be
Wild like my mind

Spending my time with the one
who cannot sleep

Tears in my Voice

I need to talk to you,
but I can't right now.
I want you to know how bad I hurt,
but I don't want you to hear
the tears in my voice.

Lost

Just to cry,
to let a little out.
but if I lose much more,
I feel I'll be empty

I've poured myself out
and held myself back
somewhere in the stretching,
the pushing, the pulling,
I've lost something very dear to me

I Don't Understand

How can you hate who you've been,
When, if you'd never been who you were
You could never be who you are?

i want to be angry

not at anyone in particular.
and for no apparent reason.
i just feel like being angry.

but i guess i won't be.
i can't think of a good reason...

your mood is curious...

I want to tell you everything about me.
I want you to know my whole life.
You know me so well, but there is still more.
I want you to be the one I tell.

The Unseen

I am not afraid of the darkness
I am not afraid of the unknown
I am fearful of the unseen

The known, but unseen
You don't know when
You don't know where
You know it's there,
but as of yet remains unseen

Hugs

What is it with these people
always wanting to hug me.
Do you feel it necessary to touch
everyone you come in contact with?
Can you not feel the awkwardness,
the tension? when you touch me.

I oblige you
I let you touch me,
my sacred property.
I 'hug' you.

What would you do,
how would you respond?
if I resisted.
Backed away &
stuck out my hand for a shake.
Would you then oblige me?
No, you'd call me out on it
and pull me in for a tighter
Hug.

Dressed in Black

They walk in all dressed in black
chains garnishing every spare loop.
I stare.
They think:
- another stupid one of them
I smile (to myself)
And think:
. I remember those days.
. All dressed in black
. Shocking the world,
. one person at a time.

Smelt a Memory

You know, they say our sense of smell is most closely related to memories?
Have you ever smelt a memory?
You smell the scent
and suddenly emotion comes rushing
you try to place it
but no picture can be found...

I did not see it
I could not place it
But I know
I have just smelt a memory

Save our Nation

In honor of V-Tech.


Nine-eleven, it made me shudder
but that was when I was young
before I was initiated to the harsh reality of America
before I realized that tragedies do happen
- and our nation needs to band together
not only when 31 are shot-up by a mentally unstable American
not a South Korean, an American.

We can't go blaming other countries for the ills which befall us
It's our fault.
As a nation, As a people
We discriminate against those who are perfectly stable
and choose not to help those who need it
It's our fault
We go blaming one another
Your fault. My fault. His fault.
NO!
It's our fault.

Every new decade, every new era
A new tragedy strikes...
We remember who we are
We remember we need to stand together
But in-between, never.

It's our fault.
We must take our own in
help them, save them, teach them
We must accept our blame
Correct our follies
And band together to save our nation.

*Guest Appearence*

Confined
In my mind
Can’t talk
Can’t offend

That sucks

Thoughts can’t escape
Restricted to paper
Stomach aches
Longing to be alone

Too many people
Distractions here and there
I don’t care about stripes
Or Biology homework

Go elsewhere

There is not party here
This is my space
You are no longer welcome

But I can’t talk
Can’t offend
I just want to cry
But I can’t

Please Leave

I’m not fine
Don’t you see
I’m lying to you

I am tired
Longing to sleep
The sleep of the uncaring

Go Away

You are not wanted here
You and your happy feelings
I am not happy
So you shouldn't be either

I don’t care about your dying computer
Or your script
Or your phone

I like this commercial

I feel like I’m drowning in friendships
To many at one time
To much emotion in my body
I just want to scream

AHHHHH

There, that’s better.
Paper screams on a paper rant

Your laughs are infectious
To others
To me
Right now
I want them to stop
Cease
Desist

~Kerry JM

I don't like it when you shout

What DO you see when you look at me?
Do you despise me as much as you shout?
I'm stupid.
I don't know what's going on in the world
and of course
I'm wrong.
You don't even hear what I stand for, tho
Do you?
Do you?
You're too full on yourself.
Making sure you are who you say you are.
Thinking of how to save the world
but neglecting to care for those around you
Sure. I know.
You have your friends.
You all care for each other.
I UNDERSTAND!
Don't shout at me
I'm not listening??
You haven't heard a word I said
at least i'm not shouting at you...

Poetry Slam

You put me to shame with your fancy writing
and your loud shouting
Your scene
and your organics
"We're NOT scene kids," you shout back
as you roll your eyes and walk away
...your leggings and shirt dress betraying you.

Please Stop

Helplessness
and vague memories of helplessness.
I'm laughing so you think all is okay.
I'm laughing because I'm being hit with a pillow.
I can't help it.
I'm laughing.
I can't fight back.
I'm helpless.
I'm scared.
(Please stop.)
I can't say so because he never would.
I couldn't let him know I was scared.
Keep laughing.
Please stop.

A Quick Note

I like pillows, walls, cold air, and blankets
I like flowers, freshly picked
and clear water in which they stand

I am ME

I am me. I am no one else.
I will do as I please.
I will not conform to your expectations.

I am. I will. I do.

Music Appreciation

They play my music
my hand shakes
she rambles on about opera
he, behind me, clicks,
- - - - - - - - - clacks the keys
we disappointed her, she says
I don't particularly care
us four in the back, sleepy

Better than Dreaming

If you come to see me
and find me asleep
will you wake me,
Please.
I would rather spend my time with you
than sleeping.

listening, not listening

listening, not listening
it's whatever
it's your loss, what you decide to do
I'm still getting out what I need to.
there is one thing worse than not listening,
(and that's) indifference.

depressed sometimes

I feel like a such a crazy girl sometimes.
I try not to get depressed, sometimes.
I don't know what to do / not to
do, say / not to say, though.

I get depressed
I think, I write, I cry;
I smile, I move on.

My Preferred Medium

It's just a horrible vicious cycle
I keep thinking and wanting to speak and not speaking.
I choose to write b/c I cannot be interrupted
and I can word my thoughts and see them and
still make a final decision before I share them
With you, with the world...
that's why I consider myself a poet, writer
Writing, my preferred medium
So I just keep writing...