Why Am I Responsible?

"Why am I responsible?"
Because you're the most responsible.
Because you care the most.
Because if no one else does it, you will.
Because they know you will.

Because you assume they're incompetent.
Because you don't ask.
Because you don't tell.
Because you assume they don't care.
Because they don't; not as much as you.

Crush my Perfectionist Soul

Do what you're supposed to, you won't get in trouble
Do what you supposed to, still get in trouble

I lose faith in all institutions of the world
And it crushes my perfectionistic soul

Five/30/13
Via Siri and Notes

Double Standard of Thought

I'd tell you what I think
but you'd tell me I shouldn't think that way
and if I called you out on it,
you'd tell me I shouldn't care what you think.

Louder, Louder...

Maybe if I turn the music
up loud enough I won't
be able
to hear my own thoughts
blaring, racing
through my head

Jerk.

Apparently, I try too hard,
care too much.
I don't want to care less
I just want to know how
to deal with your uncaring
jerkishness.

Try - and End with Tears

Try and fail
Maybe next time
Maybe not
Try and end with tears

posted from Bloggeroid

We Aren't So Different

I'll write a letter to you in my sleep
Maybe I'll send it some day
I want you to know I care, but
I'm afraid I'll scare you away.

We really aren't so different, you and I,
Our raising, similar
Our curiosity, biting
Our skittishness, familiar

No one understands, do they?
Nor do I , I won't claim I do.
But I do know that feeling
Different as it may be - and what comes next

The things I'd say to you,
if I thought you'd listen,
if I thought you'd care.
Sometimes it helps to hear someone else.

I don't even know, though
if this is about you or more
about me and my own insecurities.
I don't know how to help.

Maybe, someday, I'll write you a letter
And send it--only too late.
You'll say, "why didn't you tell me?"
"...I was scared."

Friends?

If I say how I feel,
you'll call me a liar.
If I say I want friends,
you'll wave to yourself.
When I tell you you're not what I'm looking for,
you'll tell me I'm the problem.

Low Tolerance for Stupidity

I find my safety in your ignorance.
Come now, talk above me.
Give me something to strive toward.

posted from Bloggeroid

Try. And Fail.

I try and I try
and I just feel stupid

It's not your fault
It's just the way I am

I hold my head high
and hold the tears back

I round the corner
and let them flow

I try and I succeed
except for that one detail

One detail.
I fail.

WHY did you DO that?
I... I... just thought...

I'm ...sorry
I'll do better next time

Although
A next time is unlikely.

Weak

This IS me caring
If only I was strong before
I am weak
I am silent
I write
I weep

Hell Pays by the Hour

I need to get away from this company
it's a downward spiral of dishonest people
and I don't want to go down with the sinking ship

It's an us against them mentality; win or quit
I refuse to be one of us and I'm not one of them
when push comes to shove, I'll be on the outside

I'm terrified I'm going to start fielding blame
I comprehend what my responsibilities are
but still defer to what is and is not my fault

(08-22-11)

I'm tired of making multi-layer ethical decisions
Daily
For my career
Where the honest one gets screwed

I feel like it's me against the company
Why does my resolve falter so much
In the face of authority
When I don't even care
I daily near the point of begging
To be fired

(10-10-2011)

Hurting Everyone

how ya been

stressed.

why so

i think this bout is due to boys.

uh oh who has hurt your heart

just me.

i refuse to give it to little boys to break.

so i break theirs.

...and my own.

well you shouldn’t give it to little boys only men who will cherish it and nurture it

i have/had one of those.

but i decided that i might rather play with the little boys for a while.

so i'm just hurting everyone.....

I'll Figure it Out Later

I'm tired of the insanity.
I'm not living my mystery.
I want it to stop.
I've got to deal with a piece at a time.
But I don't know how
to figure out the whatifs and whatthens first.
I'm realizing that.

PROBLEM?

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?
Why do I repeat the same things over
and over and over?

Waiting...

I don't know how to do this part.
I love him.
We are together.
We are apart.
There is so long to wait.
What do we do now?
We see each other.
We love each other.
We don't play house.
We don't have sex.
We wait.
There is so long.
One year turns into three.
Three into four.
Then, perhaps, we wait no more.

One at a Time

Don't tell me it'll be alright
That's not the case
And you know that for yourself
It's one day at a time
Sometimes a step backward
When the world is demanding
Two steps today

Not as Strong as I Pretend to be

Sometimes I get scared
I'm not as strong as I pretend to be

It hurts so much just to admit that to you
I suppose you already know
But to admit that I have to keep relearning
I'm not as strong as I pretend to be

Not Online

Supposedly, you can find anything online.
It kind of hurts when
you search for a deceased loved one
and can find no sign.

You're Selling Yourself Short

Stupid girls.
Why can't you become women -
think for yourselves
like you for your
stop selling your body
to those other girls
       for them to judge
telling you what to be
       skinner
       taller
       tanner
       buy bigger boobs
       buy smaller – shorter – tighter clothing
       you can't eat that
       too many calories
       we have to diet
       go to the gym
       don't talk to them
       (they are a nerd)
STOP
selling your bodies for them to judge.
You don't need them.
You don't need to pay for friends.

Poor little girl.
Don't you know any better?
Did no one elver tell you they love you
       - without asking you for sex?
Has no one ever told you you're pretty
       - just the way you are?
Have you not been appreciated
       - for using your own brain?

Pretty girl.
Wake up.
Look around.
There is more to the world
than this.