Different Lifestyles

I want to be more like you,
but I know you're bad for me
and where I aim to go.

I always looked up to you.
Found you to be something wonderful.

Then I grew up.

I still want to be like you.
You're life is so glamorous,
So full of adventure

And trials, I'm sure.

With the things you do,
I'm sure there's no shortage.

The things you do,
The things you feel free to do,
The way you freely give yourself,

It must be painful.
For you mentally;
and for your family to witness.

But perhaps it's that you don't feel,
anymore,
the pain, or much of anything.

You're so beautiful;
Even chocked full of drugs.
I don't look up to you any more.

But I still wish my life
were a little more
like yours.

Used to Know

Ouch.
Thanks for the consideration.

I'll just pretend like you can't hurt me.
That's how I made it this far.

How many years has it been since we spoke?
Just because I move on
and you messed up your life
Doesn't mean I don't want to be part of it.

Thanks for the notification.
Thanks for the invite.
Thanks for the unfriending.
No thanks for the lack of information.

You always said you'd be around
You always said you'd always be there
Now you're no where to be found.
Now you're not even interested anymore.

Now you're just someone that I used to know.

Silence is golden
but
Conversation is key

We Aren't So Different

I'll write a letter to you in my sleep
Maybe I'll send it some day
I want you to know I care, but
I'm afraid I'll scare you away.

We really aren't so different, you and I,
Our raising, similar
Our curiosity, biting
Our skittishness, familiar

No one understands, do they?
Nor do I , I won't claim I do.
But I do know that feeling
Different as it may be - and what comes next

The things I'd say to you,
if I thought you'd listen,
if I thought you'd care.
Sometimes it helps to hear someone else.

I don't even know, though
if this is about you or more
about me and my own insecurities.
I don't know how to help.

Maybe, someday, I'll write you a letter
And send it--only too late.
You'll say, "why didn't you tell me?"
"...I was scared."

This is for You

I updated this for you,
This time around.
I doubt you read this.
I doubt you care.
But this update is dedicated to both of our sanity.
You can talk to us, if you need to
...really.
♥

posted from Bloggeroid

Making New Friends (or lack thereof)

Even with the target picked out,

I do not know how to, metaphorically,

pull the trigger, to just do it,

step up, say- hi, my name is...

What is the secret, the hidden gem,

the talent, no gusto, to just- smile.

Hi.

I think you are fascinating.

The way you do what you do,

say the things the way you say,

you look- like someone interesting.

Hi.

Can we hang out sometime, be friends.

Am I going about this the wrong way,

the way of the wrong kind, what kind.

Who am I, do you find what I have

to be interesting, to be worth your time.

Am I quiet strange a little weird just a little off.

Hi.

Can we- just sit and talk and be chill.

What do you do with whom and when.

Can I come, can I ask, can I do that, too.

Friends?

If I say how I feel,
you'll call me a liar.
If I say I want friends,
you'll wave to yourself.
When I tell you you're not what I'm looking for,
you'll tell me I'm the problem.

Shallow Copy of What Could Be

You make me want to vomit
every time I facebook stalk you
and see another series of your life
choices.

Why do I even bother.

You put everything out there
for all friends (and not) to see
and put their judgement on your life
choices.

Why do you even care.

You say it's finally going right
down to the last detail
of what you want of  your life
choices.

What are you leaving out.

You are a version of what you see
that you think should be
the kind of consistency filling your life
choices.

What are you missing.

You make final decisions
seemingly on a moment's whim
based on someone else's life
choices.

Why are you just a fucking copy.

Fair Weather Friend

You don't realize how much you hurt me do you
Sometimes I feel like you're more spiteful than me
Only you don't recognize it,
Don't see what it is you do
You smile and try to appease me
Because you think it's what I want
I want you to be my friend,
Even if that means you have to buck up and say
No
Or maybe it's me who needs to suck it up
And move on
Leave you be,
Leave you wallowing in the part of you that I
Hate.

Do you really mean to insinuate that this is my fault?
Or is that just a reflection of your inability
To process our differing successes?

posted from Bloggeroid

Nonverbal: "Why are you here?"

It's an awkward feeling,
This tension,
To know you're not wanted.

It doesn't matter,
I was invited,
I'm staying.

posted from Bloggeroid

Hurting Everyone

how ya been

stressed.

why so

i think this bout is due to boys.

uh oh who has hurt your heart

just me.

i refuse to give it to little boys to break.

so i break theirs.

...and my own.

well you shouldn’t give it to little boys only men who will cherish it and nurture it

i have/had one of those.

but i decided that i might rather play with the little boys for a while.

so i'm just hurting everyone.....

CRAZY

CRAZY
I am effin crazy.
What am I thinking?
Am I thinking?
WTF?!

I need to do some serious decision making
I need to pull on my big girl pants
and be honest.
Firstly with myself.
What is it I need to do
in order to move in that direction?
I need to surround myself
with good people and good friends.
I should seek out level-headed,
mature female friends.
I'm tired of the lies of
everyday life,
But Oh! how I perpetuate them myself.
What is it I've become at this level
to which I have sunken myself?
Time to pick up the pieces
and make a slow moasic of
what is left.



"Life is a mystery to be lived,
Not a problem to be solved."
~ Søren Kierkegaard

Goodbye for Now

I've never really had to say goodbye to someone before
It hurts more than I had anticipated
Forgive me for my sentimentality and emotion
There have been farewells, but always voluntary

Please, no regrets for anything that didn't happen
For I know neither of us regret anything that did
Only good memories from here on
Remember our late nights and drunken conversations

Ten years isn't really that long in the span of a life
Be careful
I'll try to keep in touch
Call me when you're home

Serkan

Furre.
(furrie? furry? fuzz ball?)
What's with your pointy ears
and tail?
Scales too, you say?

Make up your own creatures.
Make up your own life.
Must be nice...

Ryan Joseph

"I'm a father..."
Words I wasn't prepared to hear.
Words I wasn't prepared
to respond to.

I usually associate thoughts of you
with 3 Doors Down,
but I need Limp Bizkit, instead.
It really is significant.

Still not sure what to say.
Congrats? Best of luck?
Thanks for thinking of me?
...After all this time.


(I always have thought that you'd be a good dad. Do this and do it well.)

some things don't go away with high school

None of our stories are really all that different.
High school drama, betrayal, and back stabbery.
We're all a little warped from it,
but it makes us who we are.

Some, even with lots of trauma
still come out okay.
It's those who look down on themselves
that we should worry about.

Right. So...

Maybe I shouldn't tell you,
let you find if you wish.
Humor me though,
because I want you to know.

Just Stop, Okay

She is making me very angry.
Small things.
Piling up.
I am not sure how to deal.
I am not an angry person.
But she continues to piss me off.
I would talk to her,
but I do not see that going over well.
At least not currently.

Not One of Them

I'm not one of them [anymore?]
I live off campus
by myself
not in a complex
I have a boyfriend
I don't curse (often)
I don't know their songs
I don't watch their movies
I don't know their people

They include me
They talk to me
I try.
I don't fit.
I'm not like them.
It doesn't bother me
I like my life
Only that, I have no other friends.

Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago
you were two years younger than me.

Today I am here
wondering how this could be.

When I was ten
you were writing me.

Now I am reading you
and learning for me.