Spiderwebs

Spiderwebs are clouding my mind.
Clinging to my concentration,
Stretching it all out of sorts.
Spiderwebs building thick,
taking over, holding back, my vocabulary.

Once I was sharp, quick to respond.
Loved to read and knew the words.
Now, I am reduced to sluggishness.
Lethargic in my motivation.
Incompetent in my readings,
Lacking any concentration.

Spiders have moved into my head;
Eaten away at my knowledge;
Built their webs in every corner.

Remedy for Ugly

She doesn't think she is pretty [enough]?
Oh yes, make sure she doesn't stop.
Cutting is one of the best remedies for ugly.

Come on now, we're adults.
Look life in the face
and stop staring in the mirror.

Love Him

I love him.
I had the urge to call and tell him.
He knows.
That's all I had to say.
I refrained.
I drank some more wine.
Thought some more.
Changed my mind.
Called him, told him, that was all.
He was happy.
I cried.

Want to Let Go

If I hit rock bottom and let go of it all
Will that make life simpler?
Will I disappoint you all on my way down?
Surely you can rise up without me.

Plan B

The fact that I don't have a plan B,
And plan A is so costly...
The consequences of a failed A
are not something to contemplate.
It must not happen.
It is not an option.
There is no room for a plan B.

One at a Time

Don't tell me it'll be alright
That's not the case
And you know that for yourself
It's one day at a time
Sometimes a step backward
When the world is demanding
Two steps today

Not as Strong as I Pretend to be

Sometimes I get scared
I'm not as strong as I pretend to be

It hurts so much just to admit that to you
I suppose you already know
But to admit that I have to keep relearning
I'm not as strong as I pretend to be

Pretend

I know I can talk to you
Just sometimes I forget that

Afraid of what you'll say
Afraid of what you'll think

I really am not as strong
as I pretend to be

I am afraid of you
I am afraid of me

What if I give you
too much of myself?

What Then

And sometimes I get scared,
of how little I really know you
of how little you really know [about] me

What if we don't last forever
(Not that I am planning for us to)
(But I'm not planning otherwise)

Sometimes I get scared
I really don't have it [all] under control
I am terrified of life

What if I give you too much
What happens if it doesn't work
How would I go on without you

I do get so scared
(Afraid of the world
Afraid of life)

Take a Breath

Angry!
[Shoddy] shirt
[Witchy] sales people
Language, Sarah!

Broken computer.
Failing cellular.
Behind in classes.
Lists at work.

Patience.

Computer being fixed for free.
Waiting on a new phone.
Writing a paper.
Raise in my pay.

Critical Thinking Skills

Critical thinking skills are useless against the irrational and uninformed.

Personal Views

I am so frustrated.

I am trying to find some way to explain it, but I can't because there is no logic behind it.

People who are angry with me because of stating my views. I am not really even challenging theirs. but they are angry because they don't agree with me. or angry because i don't agree with them. or angry because they don't understand what i'm saying. or i'm not really sure what the rational is...

It's all religious things.

Don't start a religious conversation with me if you don't want me to tell you how I feel...

I don't know.

I am just grr...

To the Other Drivers

I like to play my chick rock louder than your music
I like to drive my car faster than yours
I like to ignore you and pretend that you care

Believe

Yes, I do believe
in the powers that be,
higher and above and beyond me.

Goth

I miss my inner goth
the darkness so beautiful,
the days I could stare in your eyes,
the nights of wakefulness
until the breath of dawn.

Uninformed Deception

I am a cynic
and an educated fool.
History must be studied
in order to prove your point,
but more importantly,
in order to prove theirs
wrong.

It's all in the context.
You can study and prove
anything.
However, if you look at it
in the right context
you may learn even more.

And when you pepper facts
with your self-righteous opinions
all you do is lead others away
and down your same road
of uninformed deception.

I know you believe
what it is you say,
but that does not make it
any more the truth.

Do not look at things
from a mind frame
only to prove your point.

Look for what happened,
what really took place.

Look only for the truth.

Part of the Process

It is all a part of the process
I can go anywhere, but fit nowhere
I take your style down off the shelf
strangle it until it fits my body
take it off, try on another.
It is all a part of the process.

Sarah is...

Sarah is
...feeling as alone as ever.

Unique.
...just like everyone else.

Only there is no one else.

Sarah feels a little like a crack addict.
...just keep going back for more.

Infatuation

I fall
into infatuation
but that is all

my love
is not
so easily won

twice. and maybe,
a half
of three others

Car Boys

Long hair, tattoos, smoking while they work
Bunch of country boys, grew up
with cars for their play toys.
They enjoy what they do.
There is no lie in what they do,
how they look, the work they do.

Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago
you were two years younger than me.

Today I am here
wondering how this could be.

When I was ten
you were writing me.

Now I am reading you
and learning for me.

This is Madness

What do you want from me??
Stop this - it's madness!
Get out of my head,
I won't live in your world.

You think you see so clearly.
So what if you do?
I won't be the one to tell you.
This is madness I tell you.

Staff Meeting

You are adults.
Can't you be more mature?
God save me if I turn out like you.

Bad mouthing each other,
Smiling at their faces,
Do you have no regard?

Playing favorites.
Picking sides.
This is reminiscent of high school.

Listening to you,
it nearly makes me sick,
bashing each other like you do.

Give it up or find a way to deal.
You can't change anything
by whispering amongst each other.

You're So Cool

Mr. Badass in his broken-down black truck
hollers at me as he hauls on by.

I give him a glance to see if he is worth a look.
Respond to his wink with a crooked smile.

Distorts his face in concentration,
His eyes covering all my curves...

I laugh to myself as I turn away
and sway my hips just a little more.

Not Online

Supposedly, you can find anything online.
It kind of hurts when
you search for a deceased loved one
and can find no sign.

fragment of happy memory

long distance romance.
cross country travel.
sketchy bus stop.
watch him get off.
hide my face.
waiting. gets his luggage.
comes my way.
lame attempt to conceal my glee.
puts his luggage down.
smiles at me.
stand awkwardly for a moment.
lean against the car.
talk for a while.
sky looks like rain.
brilliant blue eyes stare at me.
can't stand it any longer. embrace.
don't want to let go.
squeeze tighter. both laughing.
break apart.
radiant, cheesy smiles.
first drops of rain.
we had better go.

*mass overhaul*

Today:
Updated to the new Blogger template style
Edited the intro
Added the label/tag cloud
Changed the style of the archives
Started posting again on Ramblings
Made some changes to my profile

Hopefully to get new posts here in the next few days.

To Publish or Not

I fear those who know me
To let them read? To not let them read?
That is the question.

I desire to publish
but fear holds me back.
What happens after I do?

Professor

She is a female
She is a homosexual
She is a professional
She is an amazing woman

To you is she just a stupid lesbian?

She was my professor
...twice
and was to be again
...multiple times

To you was she just a teacher?

We refuse to let her go
We will keep her here if we can
If not, we will,
at least in our reflections.

Legalization

Caffeine is a drug
used for recreational purposes
on a very wide basis.
Just think -
if everyone was smoking
pot instead...
We might have a
peaceful, accepting place
in which to live.

You're Selling Yourself Short

Stupid girls.
Why can't you become women -
think for yourselves
like you for your
stop selling your body
to those other girls
       for them to judge
telling you what to be
       skinner
       taller
       tanner
       buy bigger boobs
       buy smaller – shorter – tighter clothing
       you can't eat that
       too many calories
       we have to diet
       go to the gym
       don't talk to them
       (they are a nerd)
STOP
selling your bodies for them to judge.
You don't need them.
You don't need to pay for friends.

Poor little girl.
Don't you know any better?
Did no one elver tell you they love you
       - without asking you for sex?
Has no one ever told you you're pretty
       - just the way you are?
Have you not been appreciated
       - for using your own brain?

Pretty girl.
Wake up.
Look around.
There is more to the world
than this.

The Benefits of Womanhood

I may not be physically as strong as you,
but mentally, I am at least your equal
and my words cut deeper than your strength

I may not have a penis,
but I don't envy it,
and I can play sports without plastic between my legs.

I may not have a visible erection,
but I still get very aroused
and, by the way, I have more nerve endings than you.

Not A Man

I am not a man
I am not a “lesser version of a man”*
I am a different creature.
I am a woman.
We are made from different structures.
We are still human.

When will the men of the world,
the men of our lives,
the men who say they love us,
look [stop and really look]
at how they treat the
women they say they love.



* Byrne, J. O God of Players. New York: Columbia University Press, 2003.

Older

Someday I will be old.
I will have wrinkles
and gray hair.
My body will start to fail,
my parts won't function correctly.

But it will be alright.

I am content to know
my wrinkles will be from
smile lines, not UV rays,
my gray hair will be
au natural, and not dyed,
my body may be sore, but
is going through something normal,
something that has been part of every
woman's life.

Assumptions

You look at me and assume
you know
my life goals
my family values
my aspirations
my views

“You are female,
you are liberationist,
you don't like men
you do like women
you do like children”

How wrong you are.
How dare you judge
what you do not know.

Clamoring for Sleep

there are not enough hours in the day
for everything that needs to happen.
often, personal thought is what suffers,
this saddens me.

Trip

It hurts me so much.
Why do you do this to yourself
Why do I even care?
It's personal.
It killed my brother
but I don't tell you that.
I don't want to ruin your trip,
because, as you know,
sitting is most important.

I ask people if they've partook.
Typically, no, it's not that common.
But, you? Yes?
You are not supposed to tell me
that you are coming off a trip, now.

I have a strong urge to shatter glass.
I don't know what to do,
how to respond.
Looking at my bottle,
throw it on the floor.
Bad idea.

Our Time

The future is so far away.
The future is now.
The future is happening.
The future is lasting.

The future is our time span.
We have each other on this side
We have time;
Let's take it.

Near You

I crave your body.
I crave your heat.
Just to lie next to you.
Not to be touched by you,
but just to touch you,
be near you.

I want to be in your company.
Anywhere.
Just to be near you.

A Glimpse Inside

Upon the realization of the personalness
and the personality
that I display via my poetry
and prose
I began to question myself
Am I prepared to share myself
[this side of myself]
With someone who knows me on a face to face level
Someone who I feel will take my every word
written (and left dangling between the lines)
and diagnose them to learn me
Not, I feel, to judge me
but to use the power, revealed by the eyes
to gain a glimpse into this soul of mine

The power of knowledge and wisdom
the implications of manipulation
the deepness of soul and thought
the residing of previous and ancient wisdom
the non-learned, but sharpenable awareness
--The look in the eyes.

Can you read my words and thus my thoughts?
Can you see through my attempt to be who I am?
Do you understand what it is I say?
- what it is I aim for?

Can you see
that I can see,
but that I do not see, myself?

A Sequence of (Honest) Thought

I don't know how I feel about you.
I miss you vehemently when I don't see you for a few days.
I don't know how to talk to you on the phone, which leaves a bit of an awkward taste in my mouth.
I still get butterflies when you kiss me.
As much as I want you and want you to touch me, I know better.
Being able to trust you is such an emotional thing for me.
I am in love with your blatant honesty, however, it does scare me a little
I thoroughly enjoy discussing religious issues with you (and always have)
Now, though, I am hesitant, afraid I will find something to turn my mind against you.
The day I can get my mind and heart on the same page will be astounding.
I dare not push either one, for I know what can happen.
I am not pushing myself, but nor am I holding myself back any longer.
I am not afraid. I am terrified.
I know better than to plan my future, but one must have an idea to follow.
I have no idea where I am going, but I am thinking of staying close to you.
You say you love me.
I don't love you.
You accept this.
I am exceptionally fond of you.
I am falling for you.
I am not afraid of you.
I am terrified. In a lovely sort of way.
I don't know what to think of you.
*and she rereads and smiles as the cursor blinks on an empty line*

Need to feel Alive

I want to scream.
I need to cry.
[it is raining outside
the window is open
a car drives by]


This helpless restriction I feel
I need to feel life
I need to live

Helpless Restrictions

I need to know he is okay.
Or to know if he is not.
I haven't heard from him.
Can't/Won't contact him.
He said he'd call.
Is he okay?
I need to see him,
touch him
make him well.
I need to do something.
Something either for him or myself.
But I cannot.
I am helpless.
I hate it. I cannot stand it.
I can't go, can't talk, can't care.
Knowing nothing is torture.
I need to be there,
But I cannot.

Maybe You Should Just Let It Go

I used to be able to help people
I am not very good at it anymore
I have learned how to let go of things
It seems people just cannot do this
or at least they will not allow themselves to

Some people blame everything on them self
You cannot convince them otherwise
and sometimes it really is all their fault
they make life difficult with how they approach it
but you cannot tell someone they just try too hard

Thoughts on Attitude

I tend to be a little too proper
I value people and things that are classy
On the other hand I am very much a country girl
and at times can be a little [crude].

"Have you ever been in love?"

i have felt love,
i have been loved,
i have loved,
but have i been in love,
no.
i suppose not.

*Bone Marrow*

Some time last spring Smiley and Drew decided to go to a blood drive and donate. I tagged along for lack of a more interesting afternoon. While there, on a short and random spark of goodwill towards mankind, I opted to sign up to be a bone marrow donor. I debated with myself for a bit and almost decided not do it, but in the end, I went ahead and signed up with the National Marrow Donor Program.

Insert now -many months later- a lady calls my house and tells my mother that I have come up as a match in their database. My mom, not really sure about what she wants, takes her number instead of giving her a way to contact me.

I talk to my mom on Friday and she informs me that I have been matched and the recipient will be a 61 old male. This is all the info I get. My first thought is that I would be more supportive if it were a young person with a lot of life left to live. My next, and quite deeply felt, thought is that this is the age of my father. Despite 61 sounding old, I look at my parents and realize that someone of this age (having taken care of their health) can also still have a lot of time left.

I wait till Monday and call the lady, Bobbie, back. Explaining who I am she sounds a little surprised, perhaps that I actually called back. With a little relief on my end, she explains to me that they are not after my marrow just yet. I am A match, not necessarily THE match.

She gives me the option of remaining in the program from this point to see how well I do match or, because I am a college student, she tells me I can choose to be suspended from the database until later if I would like. I chose to stay.

They will be doing more testing and may have to draw some blood to continue in the search to see if I am the best match or not. I have no idea how many options are available to this man. It may be many. It may be few.

I should be contacted again some time in February for an update of where things are. IF I am decided as the best match I will find out around April and the procedure will not happen till the beginning of the summer.

I do not have any idea how this will turn out. But it shall be interesting for sure.
I will post updates as I know things.

Walls

Do I not care? Have I never cared?
Of course I care. I always have.
I always will.
Do I hurt?
Should I?
I don't allow myself to hurt.
I just walk away.
Is this good?
I am told it is not.
Does it hurt me?
It just builds my walls a little thicker.

Computer Geek

I am a computer geek of the highest sort
I <3 them
but sometimes I feel like I don't know enough.
I haven't had the experience that one should have.
I desire to soak up computer info.
I want to learn what I can.
I know I don't want to program.
I don't know what I want to do.

I dual boot.
With Grub, of course.
I run Linux,
when I can get past the fsck.
I run Vista
when I need mass-marketed things.

I've never built my own,
but I have torn apart.
I know enough to ask the right questions
and just enough to get myself into trouble.
I spend my time wandering the interwebs
and don't make the time I should to study
even for the things that I want to learn.