I know You well

I had a moment of panic
Then I realized,
there is nothing to fear;
I know you well.
I know you,
because you are me.

Everything I Am Reminds Me of You

I'm terrified of reinventing myself
However, sometimes I'm not sure
that there's any other option.
Everything that I am
reminds me of you
and us
and what was
and everything that wasn't
and isn't
and cannot
Be.

Contributing Factor

Perhaps it's the loss of control that makes me feel this way.

posted from Bloggeroid

Paranoia

What imagination I have often displays itself in the form of paranoia.

posted from Bloggeroid

Fear Of

It is not fear of change.
It is fear of loss.

Fear of taking advantage of a good thing;
flushing it away

Fear of loosing something good.

Not as Strong as I Pretend to be

Sometimes I get scared
I'm not as strong as I pretend to be

It hurts so much just to admit that to you
I suppose you already know
But to admit that I have to keep relearning
I'm not as strong as I pretend to be

Pretend

I know I can talk to you
Just sometimes I forget that

Afraid of what you'll say
Afraid of what you'll think

I really am not as strong
as I pretend to be

I am afraid of you
I am afraid of me

What if I give you
too much of myself?

What Then

And sometimes I get scared,
of how little I really know you
of how little you really know [about] me

What if we don't last forever
(Not that I am planning for us to)
(But I'm not planning otherwise)

Sometimes I get scared
I really don't have it [all] under control
I am terrified of life

What if I give you too much
What happens if it doesn't work
How would I go on without you

I do get so scared
(Afraid of the world
Afraid of life)

I Wasn't Alone

Depression.
I've been there.
But I didn't want to give up.
I wasn't alone.
It was dark all around
I may have been afraid
But I wasn't alone
I had someone there with me
Holding my right hand*
I had you, God, guiding me
In, and through,
to the light at the end
I was never alone
Even the times I was lonely
I was never alone


*Isiah 41:10-13

The Unseen

I am not afraid of the darkness
I am not afraid of the unknown
I am fearful of the unseen

The known, but unseen
You don't know when
You don't know where
You know it's there,
but as of yet remains unseen

Please Stop

Helplessness
and vague memories of helplessness.
I'm laughing so you think all is okay.
I'm laughing because I'm being hit with a pillow.
I can't help it.
I'm laughing.
I can't fight back.
I'm helpless.
I'm scared.
(Please stop.)
I can't say so because he never would.
I couldn't let him know I was scared.
Keep laughing.
Please stop.

Look at Me

Look at me.
People look at me
and see
"who I am"
a good girl
an innocent girl
perfect
beautiful
got it all going for her

"She" is such a hypocrite
that couldn't be farther from the truth.
I hate me
I hate what I've become
I hate you
I hate this world
I am so full of a stinking hate
I always have been.
I've hidden it so well,
for so many years.

No one knows
Not even me
I don't allow it
I struggle with myself
because I hide myself from myself
I am afraid of what I'll find
I know what I would find
So I block it all away
from myself

I do bad things
I am a bad person
I wish bad things
I see/hear/taste bad things
I want bad people
I am bad

I am a sinner
I am human
I am an egotist

I love me
I love you
I love him

I hate this world.

Faux Security

But...I am never lonely...
I am self-sufficient.
I am independent.
I don't need you.

I hide behind my faux security.
But what it is I hide,
I know not.

I hide all I am
From all you are
and all it is that we could be.

I am scared.
I am insecure.
What if I am wrong?

I Like Books That Make Me Cry

I like books that make me cry,
They evoke sufficient emotion.

Maybe I'm a little too much like Emma Bovary.

I'd never kill myself, though.
but, someone else...sure.
If I can gut a deer, I
can also skin you, too.
My heart is deep.

Deep and black

I don't show it to most
Only those few who need to fear me.

Him, Him, Him

I need to pacify him
I hate to hate him
I won't be alone with him

I'm afraid of him
I'm fearful of him
What if I killed him?

I Was There

I was there when the call rang
I was there when the tears fell
I was there when the knees buckled
I was there

"Daddy had a heart attack"
Was all she could say.

Just Let Me Be

Don’t ask me questions.
Don’t back me into a corner.
Don’t make me lie.
I will be polite,
but it won’t be real.

Just let me cry,
Let me hear my pen.

Wrap me in your arms,
Comfort me.
Don’t tell me it’ll be alright,
it’s not.
Don’t ask me questions,
Just let me be.
Just wrap me in your arms,
Just let me be.

Afraid

I'm afraid...
I'm afraid of him,
I'm afraid of myself,
I'm afraid of what I used to be,
I'm afraid of what's happening,
And where I might go.