Needing a Change

I want to be something
other than what I am
Something slightly darker than
what I present myself to be

Everything I Am Reminds Me of You

I'm terrified of reinventing myself
However, sometimes I'm not sure
that there's any other option.
Everything that I am
reminds me of you
and us
and what was
and everything that wasn't
and isn't
and cannot
Be.

Progress in Time

Life is a finite thing
Yet the rise of one age
Does not give close to another
Life is a stacking, growing, creeping
Monster
Time progresses

Just as one decade
Lapses into something new
Yet does not draw close
to what came before
So it is
with phases of our own lives

I choose to move toward change
Yet I am not able to eradicate my past
I must keep it
as a sign of where I've been,
what I've seen
the things which I've done

Shedding the Old

shedding people from my life

friends and lovers

bad influences

Over

I've done it
now I must separate myself
It's over
unless I want the pain to grow

I can survive whatever I need to
I protect myself,
so I'm the only one who can hurt me

Someday that will change
and I will cry

I'll Figure it Out Later

I'm tired of the insanity.
I'm not living my mystery.
I want it to stop.
I've got to deal with a piece at a time.
But I don't know how
to figure out the whatifs and whatthens first.
I'm realizing that.

Indecisive & Fickle

Not only am I indecisive
I'm also fickle
Once I make up my mind
I change it.

Almost Ready

Alright.
Almost done.
Ready.
For you.
For us.
Forever.



Back to monotony?
No.
We're better.
Right?
We can do this.
Right?
Keep some excitement.
Have some fun.

Mr. Business Man

Dear sir across from me in Panera
you look very stressed
in your suit and tie
staring at your laptop
with that saddened face.

I see you wear a wedding ring
perhaps, you should spend more time
     with her.

Have you ever considered,
a new job?
gotta play to win?
do you ever play, just
     to play?

Alanis Morissette

alanis morissette makes me feel better about life
gives me hope that comes and goes
i see we've all made the same mistakes
looked in the wrong places for the right things
lost people who were suppose to care

Apartment

Daydreaming about living somewhere with sunlight and windows that open
A place where I don't have to use my stove top as a counter top
Somewhere to breathe, somewhere with room to grow

Daydreaming about living somewhere with room for my cat(s)
Somewhere to go out and run without traffic to worry
Looking for a place with room to stretch

Daydreaming about wood floors, high ceilings, windows with a breeze
Someplace with storage room and a closet or two
Somewhere with a ceiling more than six feet tall

Looking for a safe place to settle myself down
Somewhere without metal lattice on the windows
A place that doesn't smell like wet dog carpet

I like my cave, but some days it can be overwhelming
It's close to campus, It's affordable, It's bearable
But some days it's barely livable

Losing My Religion

I'm trying to figure out
just when, just where
I lost my religion
perhaps I left it
on the pew in some old church
maybe I dropped it
just outside the door
could it be still sitting
on my parent's kitchen table
Did I loose it or did I let it go?...
did I toss it out
on my way home from class
did I delete it with my email
did I give it away
to make room for other things
Where, when
We may never know
just what became of me.
Perhaps, now, I can think clearly
and reformulate my own views.

Spiderwebs

Spiderwebs are clouding my mind.
Clinging to my concentration,
Stretching it all out of sorts.
Spiderwebs building thick,
taking over, holding back, my vocabulary.

Once I was sharp, quick to respond.
Loved to read and knew the words.
Now, I am reduced to sluggishness.
Lethargic in my motivation.
Incompetent in my readings,
Lacking any concentration.

Spiders have moved into my head;
Eaten away at my knowledge;
Built their webs in every corner.

Goth

I miss my inner goth
the darkness so beautiful,
the days I could stare in your eyes,
the nights of wakefulness
until the breath of dawn.

Part of the Process

It is all a part of the process
I can go anywhere, but fit nowhere
I take your style down off the shelf
strangle it until it fits my body
take it off, try on another.
It is all a part of the process.

Professor

She is a female
She is a homosexual
She is a professional
She is an amazing woman

To you is she just a stupid lesbian?

She was my professor
...twice
and was to be again
...multiple times

To you was she just a teacher?

We refuse to let her go
We will keep her here if we can
If not, we will,
at least in our reflections.

Older

Someday I will be old.
I will have wrinkles
and gray hair.
My body will start to fail,
my parts won't function correctly.

But it will be alright.

I am content to know
my wrinkles will be from
smile lines, not UV rays,
my gray hair will be
au natural, and not dyed,
my body may be sore, but
is going through something normal,
something that has been part of every
woman's life.

Our Time

The future is so far away.
The future is now.
The future is happening.
The future is lasting.

The future is our time span.
We have each other on this side
We have time;
Let's take it.

Dark Star

I cared for you so much
sometimes still (more than I should)
I search for reasons why
and what captivated me so strongly

We were so different
so much the same
We didn't want the same things,
but we were in the same place

You are one of few
who I liked first
You caught me
and I let you into my mind

You didn't try to seduce me
it was all on my own
You didn't prod me along
it was only what I wanted

It was all so wrong
so beautifully right
It wouldn't last
thank you for not telling me

Such a short amount of time
so much time between us
Such an innocent passion
you allowed me cradle

I still don't know
how it all fell together
I am still glad
that it actually did

A New Me

I don't know who I am anymore
I peg other people
know how they will respond
I peg myself
try to tell others how I will respond,
how i think I will respond,
how I think I should respond,
How I've responded before.

I'm really not sure who i am though
I need to realign myself with my identity
Or perhaps find my identity
but where to look if
I'm not who I was
and don't know who to be


I must be careful
not to base off anyone else
make my own self:
Who I am,
What I think,
only.