Different Lifestyles

I want to be more like you,
but I know you're bad for me
and where I aim to go.

I always looked up to you.
Found you to be something wonderful.

Then I grew up.

I still want to be like you.
You're life is so glamorous,
So full of adventure

And trials, I'm sure.

With the things you do,
I'm sure there's no shortage.

The things you do,
The things you feel free to do,
The way you freely give yourself,

It must be painful.
For you mentally;
and for your family to witness.

But perhaps it's that you don't feel,
anymore,
the pain, or much of anything.

You're so beautiful;
Even chocked full of drugs.
I don't look up to you any more.

But I still wish my life
were a little more
like yours.

I found a picture of us

I found a picture of us together
Look at us, we look so happy.
What ever even happened?
I went away to college.
We never saw each other. The distance was just too much.
But all the times before that,
it never really worked then, either.
We tried, and tried again.
Love and sexuality and common interest
somehow wasn't enough.
We were both intellictuals
fascinated in all the ways of the world.
We dreamed big, but never seemed to achieve.
You dreamed big and never seemed to achieve.
I never really dreamed, just bumbled my way along,
desperate to leave town.
You were so quite
and always so sorry.
"It's not your fault."
"I'm still sorry."

I found a picture of us together.
We looked so happy, it brought some tears to my eyes.
Our stars just never aligned.

Everything I Am Reminds Me of You

I'm terrified of reinventing myself
However, sometimes I'm not sure
that there's any other option.
Everything that I am
reminds me of you
and us
and what was
and everything that wasn't
and isn't
and cannot
Be.

Never Can Kill This Thing

I feel like
I'll never kill this
thing that looms
over my past
present
and undeniably
questionable
perhaps my
future

posted from Bloggeroid

Living Memories

I relive memories as though they are something other than what they are.
As if they could touch and move and become a life all their own.

Growing from a point of what was at one pinprick in time
To what? To nothing? Not what could be, but still only what was

But it was! And it was alive! Breathing, moving. Growing at that time.
Until the moment that the real life movement ends. The living dream.

It was, really quite a dream, a moment like that, now stuck.
Perpetually in replay. Encapsulated, not living, in my living brain.

I won't deny that I love you
and have loved you
I am expressly happy where I am
and whatever innate bond we share
may be powerful, but I will not
let it destroy this.

What do I do with you?

You, She, Me

It can never be the same.
You and I.
She and I.
This
and there.

This time around is a different game.
It can never be the same.

posted from Bloggeroid

Progress in Time

Life is a finite thing
Yet the rise of one age
Does not give close to another
Life is a stacking, growing, creeping
Monster
Time progresses

Just as one decade
Lapses into something new
Yet does not draw close
to what came before
So it is
with phases of our own lives

I choose to move toward change
Yet I am not able to eradicate my past
I must keep it
as a sign of where I've been,
what I've seen
the things which I've done

Power

When its been denied you,
the right to say no,
the chance to hold back
is power held within

my favorite way to learn is the hard way

yeah...

1000 Years

We've been here for 1000 years
And you still haven't learned
I'm not like you
This will never work

Why are we so repetitive?
The first four times ended
...in utter disaster
This shall be no different.

You always try
I always fall.
Over and over,
Again and again.

Will we ever learn?
We've been here 1000 years
And can only continue
Repeating our endings.

Ghost from Years Past

It caught me so off guard
because it didn't just 'happen'
it was a ghost from the past
reappearing to make me question
all I believe in and hold dear

Bygone Times

Old wooden barns with nailed together tin roofs
Falling apart trailers perched on hill sides
Buttercups, Dirt roads, Leaning tombstones
Testaments to a different lifestyle
Bygone times and family lines still around

Uninformed Deception

I am a cynic
and an educated fool.
History must be studied
in order to prove your point,
but more importantly,
in order to prove theirs
wrong.

It's all in the context.
You can study and prove
anything.
However, if you look at it
in the right context
you may learn even more.

And when you pepper facts
with your self-righteous opinions
all you do is lead others away
and down your same road
of uninformed deception.

I know you believe
what it is you say,
but that does not make it
any more the truth.

Do not look at things
from a mind frame
only to prove your point.

Look for what happened,
what really took place.

Look only for the truth.

Infatuation

I fall
into infatuation
but that is all

my love
is not
so easily won

twice. and maybe,
a half
of three others

fragment of happy memory

long distance romance.
cross country travel.
sketchy bus stop.
watch him get off.
hide my face.
waiting. gets his luggage.
comes my way.
lame attempt to conceal my glee.
puts his luggage down.
smiles at me.
stand awkwardly for a moment.
lean against the car.
talk for a while.
sky looks like rain.
brilliant blue eyes stare at me.
can't stand it any longer. embrace.
don't want to let go.
squeeze tighter. both laughing.
break apart.
radiant, cheesy smiles.
first drops of rain.
we had better go.

"Have you ever been in love?"

i have felt love,
i have been loved,
i have loved,
but have i been in love,
no.
i suppose not.

Walls

Do I not care? Have I never cared?
Of course I care. I always have.
I always will.
Do I hurt?
Should I?
I don't allow myself to hurt.
I just walk away.
Is this good?
I am told it is not.
Does it hurt me?
It just builds my walls a little thicker.

Dark Star

I cared for you so much
sometimes still (more than I should)
I search for reasons why
and what captivated me so strongly

We were so different
so much the same
We didn't want the same things,
but we were in the same place

You are one of few
who I liked first
You caught me
and I let you into my mind

You didn't try to seduce me
it was all on my own
You didn't prod me along
it was only what I wanted

It was all so wrong
so beautifully right
It wouldn't last
thank you for not telling me

Such a short amount of time
so much time between us
Such an innocent passion
you allowed me cradle

I still don't know
how it all fell together
I am still glad
that it actually did

I Wasn't Alone

Depression.
I've been there.
But I didn't want to give up.
I wasn't alone.
It was dark all around
I may have been afraid
But I wasn't alone
I had someone there with me
Holding my right hand*
I had you, God, guiding me
In, and through,
to the light at the end
I was never alone
Even the times I was lonely
I was never alone


*Isiah 41:10-13