Faux Security

But...I am never lonely...
I am self-sufficient.
I am independent.
I don't need you.

I hide behind my faux security.
But what it is I hide,
I know not.

I hide all I am
From all you are
and all it is that we could be.

I am scared.
I am insecure.
What if I am wrong?

Fate

It had to end
There was no way
You just didn't complete me
Nor I you
We were matched together so well
But our stars just didn't align
Fate had other plans for us
It just had to end
To save us all

In some other Dream

I would liked to have kept you around
But not this time around.
Maybe in some other time
In some other dream
When we meet again
With that familiar look in our eyes
That flash of recognition
that says we've met somewhere before
in some other time
in some other dream

Who Am I Not

Who am I not,
I am not a slut
I am not a whore
I am not a heroin addict
I am not pregnant
-nor have I ever been
I do not take hits of acid
-on a regular basis or not
I am not in a cult
I do not worship the devil
I do hate you
I am not easy
I am not a sadist
I am not a lesbian
I am not any number of things which You have pegged me
I am, however, myself
And I will continue to be who I am and not who you have made me out to be

Rusty

It's a dark and cold world out there
Seems there's no one to trust
And what little I have left
Has begun to rust
in these blood covered hands
Where I ripped out my heart
After falling for You.

One Word Was All

Be careful what you say to someone.
You never know what one word
What one statement
They will remember for the rest of their life.

some simple comment
one simple compliment
that degrading remark

You never know how much
it could possibly affect
the paths they choose to take.

the end

Why do I feel this way
...still?
I just sit here and cry
(but I'd never admit that to you)
I didn't love him
We both knew that
But I don't know why I'm
still sitting here looking through
tear blurred eyes.

All I can do is write...
How I wish I could call
How I wish I could stop by
(and let you wrap me in your arms)
Neither of us do the 2nd time around thing
...And that's not what I want.
I just want you.

Why?

I Like Books That Make Me Cry

I like books that make me cry,
They evoke sufficient emotion.

Maybe I'm a little too much like Emma Bovary.

I'd never kill myself, though.
but, someone else...sure.
If I can gut a deer, I
can also skin you, too.
My heart is deep.

Deep and black

I don't show it to most
Only those few who need to fear me.

You're My Friend?

I feel so detached
From everything
I have to stop and chat
with everyone
This way I have friends
visually, at least
It fills my small space
set aside
for daily social abilities

Norah Jones

Laying in my room
not really trying to sleep
knowing I need it.

Norah Jones on repeat.
Five; Six times, now,
and my mind wanders...

Writers of Past

I long to write
like the
writers of past.

Eloquent words
placed ever so carefully
on each page.

Spilled out from
within
their soul.

Seemingly as though they
must think in rhythm
to produce such beautiful verse.

Spontaneous and Intimate Thoughts

as I lay here in the light
watching my ink roll
I contemplate my life
and all I've gotten myself into

I feel like an artist
deep in the night
having confined myself to my studio
until I produce some work worth merit

my eyes shifting
following the pen
everything falling in and out
of focus

listening to oldies
I know most of these songs
they're all before my time
they had good music then

pouring out my spontaneous,
intimate thoughts
personal or not
still, and deep from within

sleep drifts, closer
as my eyes begin to droop
and my pen nears the edge
of the
page.

This

I am having issues
I like you
and most days I want you
but
I don't want this

This wasn't supposed to happen in the first place
I didn't want a relationship
I didn't want a man
I was doing just great on my own

Where did you come from
Where did this come from
I didn't have a reason to say yes
and yet,
I still didn't say no.

Who Am I?

I am a confused young lady
who feels she does not know much about herself
but sees she is changing.

I am a computer addict
who is online whenever possible
and often puts it in front of other responsibilities.

I am a lover of music
who enjoys Enya, Black Sabbath, and Nelly
but can not carry a tune in her own head.

I am a writer less than I would like
who was ecstatic when published
and hoping for more chances of the same.

I am an independent teenager
who can take care of everything herself
but is still dependent on her parents.

I am a college bound student
who is a successful slacker
and yet is passing all her classes.

I am a drama nerd
who is involved in every school production
but is afraid of the stage (and herself).

I am just a geeky little girl
who looks at herself, questioning, wondering,
and can not quite tell who she should be.

I am a soccer player
who loves the game over many things
but would rather do anything than practice.

I am a bare foot babe
who hates shoes
and loves climbing trees.

I am an outsider, and probably always will be
who has many acquaintances
but very few friends.

I am a student of life
who wants to experience things hands on
and occasionally gets herself in too deep.

I am a rebellious spirit
who wants to go against everything
but rarely does.

I am a small child at heart
who wants to stick her finger in the peanut butter
and eat the cookie dough.

I am an untrusting individual
who resents anyone who tries to help
but wants one person who understands.

I am a lover of words
who yearns to expound upon my vocabulary
and yet cannot spell elementary words.

I am an ear full of piercings
who tastefully wants more
but must wait till the time is right.

I am a canvas made of skin
who paints its portraits with clothing
and accessories of all genres.

I am a hunter
who has yet to get her first deer
but is still determined.

I am an indecisive homo sapien
who is unsure how to classify herself
and is not sure she fits anywhere.

I am a Christian
who is not always sure how she feels
but knows her faith non-the-less.

I am an only child
who has three sisters
and one living brother.

I am a night owl
who will stay up till all hours of the morning
but do not wake me once I am sleeping.

I am a beautiful young lady
who is a myriad of things
and continues to improve on herself.

Diverse

Who am I?
I hang around with
the kids who wear black
and some who are.

Too Many Glass Bottles

I want to write (don't I always)
what do I feel strongly about right now?
alcohol (esp smirnoff ((esp triple black)) )
and jacob
but not together

I talked to one while on the other
and since I haven't seen jacob in 2 weeks
and don't make it a habit to talk to glass bottles
...(yes plastic is different)
I'm sure you can figure out which way that went.

Him, Him, Him

I need to pacify him
I hate to hate him
I won't be alone with him

I'm afraid of him
I'm fearful of him
What if I killed him?

Distracted by You

I am distracted by you
By the thought of what could be
I don't even know who you are
Just who I hope you could be.

Reaching Out

I'm reaching out
grabbing for the closest hand

will it be yours
that pulls me to my feet?

I'm wanting someone,
something

is it you?
is it this?

I know what I'm hoping for
but is it really what I want?

Melodies

I wish I could put in words
The melodies I hear inside.

If only there was a way
to express the music I hear

I could have beautiful
words.
Flowing
lines.
Graceful
notes.

Up, Down, Half-step
One after another,
Perfect succession.

If only there was a way to express the music I hear
inside of me.

Stupid Love Poems

I don't want to feel this way
even if it's
just so
I'll
stop writing
these
stupid love poems

*intermission from poetry*

I have another blog now, which I will use for non poetry related things.
Check it out:

Ramblings of an Insomniac

Did I Miss Something

You haven't called.
You haven't text.
Did I miss something?
Is it over?
Was it ever really started?

You came on to me.
You talked to me.
You called me.
"Can I take you out some time?"

If the offer still stands,
Bring it on.
If you've changed your mind
Then let me know.

I know there is an age difference,
But I'm almost over that now.
Give a woman long enough
And she'll rationalize anything.

So if you're still interested,
Bring it on.
But if not
Then, at least let me know.

If You Need Me

All that I have in me
Screams out at me
To tell you the truth

But I look at you and
You're happy
You're content

I can't throw a wrench
in your relationship
You have a girlfriend

You're happy
...so that's where I stop.
I'm here if you need me

Can't Go Away

I'm always there
...floating in the background
Won't I go away
you ask

I can't go away
I've tried many days
I'm just a ghost from your past
I will always be there
...sometimes tangible
...sometimes only a faint memory

Soft as a whisper at dusk
I am always there
I am always near
I will never go away
Though I've tried many days

The Fine Art of Hiding my Feelings

I smile when I'm near you
I laugh when I'm with you
I think about you when we're apart

I want your undivided attention
I've fallen in love
I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to happen

Your the sweetest I've had
but I didn't see it in time
I didn't mean
to play with you
when I had you
I didn't realize
I was playing with my own heart

I didn't tell you my feelings
When I had the chance
Now, I'm the not so proud
owner of a Broken Heart.

You can't see how it is I feel
I've mastered (to well)
the fine art of
hiding my feelings.
I'm proficient, but to much so.

So here, on this paper,
I lay out my feelings
for you
...to never see.

The Color Black

Black is the color of night
the color of darkness
the color of death and evil
But
Black in itself
is not night, darkness, death, or evil
Black is not evil

Try To Live It

I go to church
I bow
my head

I mean it
I try to live it

I feel like such a hypocrite
So many times

I weigh what I do
or don't
do

But do I do
what
I say?

I go to church
I bow
to God

I mean it
I try to live it

Not My Lips

He always kisses my neck.
I suppose,
That is because I won't lend him my lips,
Even for a season
Or a one night stand.

How I feel

I'm so confused
and it's not by anything
It's just my own thoughts
the denial
and
reality of them.
I know how I feel.
I don't know
what to do with
how I feel?

I like him
I don't l**e him!
...do I?
How
...could I?

I know how I feel
but what to do
with how I feel?
Do I keep it to myself
or
share?

I'm just afraid.
I may wreck my feelings
by giving into them
or
my heart
for not.

Days To Come

succeed with life
inspired to write
think of being different
gotta model the best way

sometimes you won't change
I caught myself

distorted future
clouded dreams
sober visions

its using friends to learn
smoking is bad
college is abusing
and life's not through
till you've lived it all

To Cry

to cry,
drop a tear,
gently,
splashing,
a small dot on the paper,
drys up,
is gone,
never there,
no one knows.

One-Sided Conversation

Hello there.
Yes,
Yes, I'm talking to you.
Oh...well, I didn't want much.
No, I just wanted to see how you were doing.
You know...since we haven't talked in so long.
Good, I'm glad you're well.
Me? Well, I've been kind of lonely lately.
Oh, of course.
Yes, I understand.
Take care of yourself.
GOOD SEEING YO...

Ah, people these days, so busy...

Dear God

What is it you want from me?
Why is it you have placed me here?
Why is it that I ask so many questions?

Trust is Complicated

Those who trust
and those who don't
just don't get along.
Those who trust
think everyone should trust.
Those who don't
...well...they don't.
So one doesn't trust the other
- because they don't trust back.
And the other...
...the other just doesn't trust.
So the trusting don't trust
because the non trusting doesn't trust
and before long, we all become a
non trusting nation full of
non trusting people,
because those who trust
think that those who don't
should.
And trusters don't trust
each other because...you never know.
Yet, the non trusters do trust
because they know they can't
Trust each other.

So in the end, I don't trust you
unless you don't trust me
then, and only then,
I just might trust you.

Razor Burn

as you walk away from me
I feel the acid
sink into my flesh.
the sweet citrus
beginning to sting,
wearing away at my veins
seeping into my wounds.

when you spoke,
I heard nothing.
the only sound now,
comes from my wrist,
as the orange juice
(spilt from my trembling hand)
burns into my fresh
razor burn.

Last Saturday Night

I don't need a guy.
Really, I don't even want one,
Or at least I didn't...
But guess who met me last Saturday night!?
Thats right!

He met me out back the store last Saturday night.
I stepped out and before I knew it
he had his arms around me.
Now that was the last thing that I expected
...from anyone at this point.
So, you see, he about got himself smacked,
but I realized who had me.
How sweet a soul.

We had dinner that night,
and went for a stroll.
It was the last thing I would have planned,
but he had surprised me.

The last thing I would have expected
Turned into one of the greatest
...of all time.
When he surprised me with that ring,
last Saturday night.

Sweetness

Sweetness is so very sweet,
Yet, it sometimes has such a bitter taste.
It hands you the world,
...and on a silver platter at that.
But I never wanted this treatment,
I wanted to earn the world
on my own accord.

Sweetness treats you so very well,
as though you are fragile
...in every aspect of this world.
Sweetness looks up to you
from down below your pedestal.

Sweetness is so sweet,
...so sweetly sickening,
like devouring to many sweet chocolates
in such a short time.

Light

Light is our guiding factor.
We look to the sun
for guidance in the day.
We look to the stars
for guidance in the night.
We look to the Son
for guidance in the worst of times.

I Was There

I was there when the call rang
I was there when the tears fell
I was there when the knees buckled
I was there

"Daddy had a heart attack"
Was all she could say.

I'm Not What You Want

Things tend to end how they began.
I'm sure this will be the same.
Slowly, cautiously, lots of thought on your part,
Very little on mine.
Desperation and Apathy. Longing, and
Not giving a [care].

I'm not what you want.
I don't want a serious relationship
I'm not ready for commitment just yet,
And I'm not into 'puppy love.'
I'm really not what you want.
I don't like to be touched,
I don't trust,
No, I won't kiss you
- My kisses are special,
- And so am I.
I know it; you better know it.
Respect me, pay attention to me,
Don't worship me, Don't touch me!

You care about me.
I care about your feelings.
You flutter as you touch me,
I cringe as I am touched.

You think you can explain it...
I don't want you to; just listen.

I've Written Them All Now

Passion. Envy. Hatred.
I feel as though
all the emotions
I could want to express
I have already poured out
Out onto my paper.

Once you've written one,
You've written them all.
Say the same things over again,
Only this time switch the words.

"I love you."
"I hate you."
What really is the difference?
I am on your mind constantly either way.

Psychological Romance

What is it between us?
I look at you, but don't see you.
I want to hug and cuddle,
but don't touch me.
We write, we read, we converse,
we understand.
We engage in a psychological romance
of the highest sort.

Time to Go Home

Dreaming...
Dreaming brings it all home
Only I wake up and don't remember
Not enough sleep to function anyway

It's late now
And I need to go

You don't acknowledge
And I fall Asleep
While your still speaking

I don't understand you, nor do I
Understand me
None of us understand the others
...but sleep brings it all home
...time to go home...

It's All Gone Away

Where have the writings gone?
They've all run away.
Where has all the sense gone?
It's all run away.
Where has all the knowledge gone?
It's all floated away...

It's all, and all is everything,
It's all gone away.
Gone far away to where I can't see.
When I'm awake, nor asleep.

Angry Inside

the anger,
the pain,
I feel it.
don't understand it.
want to express it.
don't know how.

so I write in red,
to show my furry.
and yet, I don't know
from wince it cometh.

I don't know myself
any longer.
the pills, the drugs,
they changed me
...in a way I don't understand,
or maybe they just covered
it all so I couldn't see.

I am angry inside and I don't understand why.

Writer's Block

I've hit a pot hole in my road.
There's just this unseen gap,
This hole,
Between my thoughts and my pen.
My mind no longer turns,
It no longer wonders
In the ways of the world.

Blame it on the Rain

I woke up late this morning.

I blame it on the rain.

Alarm clock buzzing, my head ringing. Drag myself out of bed, pull on some clothes.

I blame it on the rain. 'Cuz you see, if it hadn't rained last night, I could have slept.

Inhale my breakfast whole, no time to chew. Jump in my car and pray it starts.

I blame it on the rain. 'Cuz you see, if it hadn't rained last night, I could have slept. Now, it's not that the rain disturbs me, you see. It inspires me.

I drive way to fast...until I notice the time. I'll be late anyway, so I'll take my own time.

I blame it on the rain. 'Cuz you see, if it hadn't rained last night, I could have slept. Now, it's not that the rain disturbs me, you see. It inspires me. Because it rained last night I had to stay up, stay up and write.

Come around the final curve, my day's destiny is just ahead. I shiver with the thought of explanations and excuses that are sure to come.

I blame it on the rain. 'Cuz you see, if it hadn't rained last night, I could have slept. Now, it's not that the rain disturbs me, you see. It inspires me. Because it rained last night I had to stay up, stay up and write. Write about my woes and foes, about my grievances and thanks.

I make it in and struggle through classes. Finally, a bit of a break, a chance for me to pause and reflect.

I blame it on the rain. 'Cuz you see, if it hadn't rained last night, I could have slept. Now, it's not that the rain disturbs me, you see. It inspires me. Because it rained last night I had to stay up, stay up and write. Write about my woes and foes, about my grievances and thanks and about you.

Everything seems to be about you these days. You're always there, you always care, and you understand the rain as well.

I blame it on the rain, because, you see, if it hadn't rained last night, I could have slept.