Maybe You Should Just Let It Go

I used to be able to help people
I am not very good at it anymore
I have learned how to let go of things
It seems people just cannot do this
or at least they will not allow themselves to

Some people blame everything on them self
You cannot convince them otherwise
and sometimes it really is all their fault
they make life difficult with how they approach it
but you cannot tell someone they just try too hard

Thoughts on Attitude

I tend to be a little too proper
I value people and things that are classy
On the other hand I am very much a country girl
and at times can be a little [crude].

"Have you ever been in love?"

i have felt love,
i have been loved,
i have loved,
but have i been in love,
no.
i suppose not.

*Bone Marrow*

Some time last spring Smiley and Drew decided to go to a blood drive and donate. I tagged along for lack of a more interesting afternoon. While there, on a short and random spark of goodwill towards mankind, I opted to sign up to be a bone marrow donor. I debated with myself for a bit and almost decided not do it, but in the end, I went ahead and signed up with the National Marrow Donor Program.

Insert now -many months later- a lady calls my house and tells my mother that I have come up as a match in their database. My mom, not really sure about what she wants, takes her number instead of giving her a way to contact me.

I talk to my mom on Friday and she informs me that I have been matched and the recipient will be a 61 old male. This is all the info I get. My first thought is that I would be more supportive if it were a young person with a lot of life left to live. My next, and quite deeply felt, thought is that this is the age of my father. Despite 61 sounding old, I look at my parents and realize that someone of this age (having taken care of their health) can also still have a lot of time left.

I wait till Monday and call the lady, Bobbie, back. Explaining who I am she sounds a little surprised, perhaps that I actually called back. With a little relief on my end, she explains to me that they are not after my marrow just yet. I am A match, not necessarily THE match.

She gives me the option of remaining in the program from this point to see how well I do match or, because I am a college student, she tells me I can choose to be suspended from the database until later if I would like. I chose to stay.

They will be doing more testing and may have to draw some blood to continue in the search to see if I am the best match or not. I have no idea how many options are available to this man. It may be many. It may be few.

I should be contacted again some time in February for an update of where things are. IF I am decided as the best match I will find out around April and the procedure will not happen till the beginning of the summer.

I do not have any idea how this will turn out. But it shall be interesting for sure.
I will post updates as I know things.

Walls

Do I not care? Have I never cared?
Of course I care. I always have.
I always will.
Do I hurt?
Should I?
I don't allow myself to hurt.
I just walk away.
Is this good?
I am told it is not.
Does it hurt me?
It just builds my walls a little thicker.

Computer Geek

I am a computer geek of the highest sort
I <3 them
but sometimes I feel like I don't know enough.
I haven't had the experience that one should have.
I desire to soak up computer info.
I want to learn what I can.
I know I don't want to program.
I don't know what I want to do.

I dual boot.
With Grub, of course.
I run Linux,
when I can get past the fsck.
I run Vista
when I need mass-marketed things.

I've never built my own,
but I have torn apart.
I know enough to ask the right questions
and just enough to get myself into trouble.
I spend my time wandering the interwebs
and don't make the time I should to study
even for the things that I want to learn.

Early Christmas Morning

So I just realized it is Christmas
It is also almost 5 AM
No Santa at our place tonight
Waiting up and sure of it
No old man will break in
Employment of shotgun if necessary

There has never been a Santa around here
He has never dropped by
No baking useless cookies
No wasting milk as it sits out warming
No gifts either for a long time

It's okay.
I don't need Santa Claus.
I have cynicism.

Verbose Perhaps

I am in an interesting mood.
It is a good one,
although I wouldn't define it as "good."
I don't have the descriptor to define
what it is that I feel on this night.

I'm feeling a little verbose.

a little excited
like I have listened to too much
Good Music tonight.

a little lonely
as I haven't seen my new
Favorite Person recently.

a little full on life
like I've finally realized
How Good living is.

Dark Star

I cared for you so much
sometimes still (more than I should)
I search for reasons why
and what captivated me so strongly

We were so different
so much the same
We didn't want the same things,
but we were in the same place

You are one of few
who I liked first
You caught me
and I let you into my mind

You didn't try to seduce me
it was all on my own
You didn't prod me along
it was only what I wanted

It was all so wrong
so beautifully right
It wouldn't last
thank you for not telling me

Such a short amount of time
so much time between us
Such an innocent passion
you allowed me cradle

I still don't know
how it all fell together
I am still glad
that it actually did

I Wasn't Alone

Depression.
I've been there.
But I didn't want to give up.
I wasn't alone.
It was dark all around
I may have been afraid
But I wasn't alone
I had someone there with me
Holding my right hand*
I had you, God, guiding me
In, and through,
to the light at the end
I was never alone
Even the times I was lonely
I was never alone


*Isiah 41:10-13